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When Fiz wakes up in the country cottage with Monica slobbering on the pillow next to her, she knows it’s not the romantic holiday she was hoping for with Kirkeh. Back on the Street she tells Kirk it’s over. Through tears on Cilla’s sofa, Fiz explains she wants romance, affection, adoration and love and all Kirk can offer her is one of his chips. This was a wonderful scene, Fiz and Kirk were in tears and I was in bits watching it. “Bye-bye Kirkeh” Fiz says as she leaves him alone and heads back to her flat. But Kirk’s determined not to be beaten – this was the man who once stole Blanche Hunt’s girdle, remember? He meets Fiz after work with a bunch of freesias and sings her their special song but even The Real Slim Shady won’t melt Fiz’s heart this time – so it’s time to get tough. He tells her he’s written a love poem to woo her back and it seems to do the trick. It goes something like this: “I would give everything I own, give up my life, my heart, my home. I would give everything I own, just to have you back again”. Sound familiar? Rita recognises it straight away when Fiz repeats it in the Rovers. “I used to sing that in the clubs” Rita sighed. “And then segue into River Deep, Mountain High”. Kirk’s dumped again when Fiz finds out he didn’t write the poem after all but ripped the lyrics off Cilla’s Bread CD. “It’s not easy being thick” he says in his defence.
Charlie sleeps over at Maria’s place and gets Jason to lie to Tracy for cover his whereabouts and thereabouts. (I love that phrase - but I know, I really should stop using it. It probably pops up in every third weekly update. Carry on Screaming’s to blame.)
New barmaid Michelle is settling in at the Rovers and has been at the heart of one of the big stories this week. To give Kym Marsh/Ryder her due, she’s doing alright but then how could she not with the sparkling dialogue she’s been given this week, such as this – Vernon: “’Ow about you and me having a bit of a ding-dong?”. Michelle: “There’ll be no ding and there’ll definitely be no dong”. Having words like that scripted for you is a dream. Even I could come over all brassy saying words like that. Anyway, Liz warns Steve away from Michelle: “She’s a bonkers slapper who’ll rip yer innards out” but that doesn’t seem to have any effect on Steve who lusts after Michelle good and proper. Her 14 year old son Ryan turned up this week along with her tall, dark and handsome (if you like that sort of thing) brother Liam, who gets a crush on Frankie until he thinks she’s a transsexual after some confused gossip about him fancying the woman who works in Roy’s caff. Vernon’s on the prowl, lusting after Michelle and she’s fed up with him so decides to set him up. After hours in the Rovers, he’s upstairs in his leopard skin pants wanting Michelle to join him in Liz’s bed while she’s out on a bender with Big Brenda, the alky. (I think I know her). Michelle tells Vernon to come down to the back room and they’ll do, you know, it, on the sofa. As Vernon prances into the room in his scanties, Betty and Sean just about choke on their cocoa. Liz wants to know what’s been going on while she was on her night out and when nobody tells her she assumes Michelle’s been fiddling with her fella and sacks her. It’s left to Eileen, Sean and Betty go put Liz right. She storms upstairs and chucks out Vernon’s drum kit and worldly goods from the bedroom window onto the cobbles below. How many times have we seen that done on the Street? And it’s still wonderful! I do hope it’s not the last we see of Vernon, he’s been great fun to watch. Liz grudgingly reinstates Michelle back behind the bar – so that’s five of them now working in the world’s smallest pub. Michelle’s just about to ask Steve out on a date but she overhears him telling his mum that he needs a woman with a 14 year old kid like he needs a hole in his head. Liz wonders when her feckless son became a magnet for high-maintenance, highly strung strumpets and bitches. Well, you know what they say – men always go for women who remind them of their mum.
There’s an odious huff in the Kabin when Norris finds out that Rita’s entered a Tyler’s Toffee promotion to win a weekend in Budapest. As partners in the business, he feels affronted and denied his own chance of filling in the form to win a trip to the city that’s the birthplace of one of his personal heroes, László Bíró.
This week the schools reopened and kids everywhere donned blazers and frowns as they headed back to the classroom. All except David Pratt who’s bunking off already although he tells Gail he’s been and she believes every word. Little Josh Peacock even started school but Claire forgot to pick him up and left baby Thomas with Hayley as she went doolally and fed coins into a fruit machine in town. When she finally turns up on the cobbles, Claire slaps Hayley across the face in the caff when she finds a bruise on Thomas’ arm and thinks Hayley has caused it. The girl’s going into meltdown, lying about her mother being ill, slapping and snapping at her neighbours and friends and all Ashley can ask is why they don’t have fun together anymore? Argh! Slap him one from me, Claire, and then get yourself to your doctor for help.
And chez Battersby-Brown’s, the bills are mounting and there’s no money to be found so Chesney sells his toys on eBay and gives £15 to Cilla and Les which they blow in the Rovers on booze and nuts. But when Cilla realises there’s money to be made from selling old tat online, she empties the cupboards and starts taking pics on Fiz’s mobile phone, determined to get rich by selling all their stuff.
And that’s just about that for this week.
Glenda
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