Coronation Street Weekly Update - Sep 26 2005

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Glenda was on holiday. This week's update written by Janet Watrehouse.

Now, I’ve been to a few weddings in my time that will never grace the pages  of OK magazine’s society nuptials.  Specifically coming to mind are the one  where the bridesmaids had happy faces on their tabards and the only hot meal  served – this in December in upstate New York – was baked beans.  Then there  was that other one where, during the ceremony, some of the guests placed  bets on how long the marriage would actually last (all of three months for  those are interested).  Never though have I sat there in my pew to gawp  open-mouthed as one of the party refused to go through to married life with  the partner they’d met at the top of the aisle.  I’ll bet Sally Lindsay  punched the air in joy as she read the script that would finally release her  from the confines of her bedroom and the life of misery she was doomed to  suffer with Charlie Stubbs. A bit late (given that it’s in front of the vicar and their guests), Shelley  has finally come to the realisation that it’s not her with the problem, it’s  Charlie-Boy and sprints outside to the wedding car.  Much applause from  Bev’s side of the church as Charlie knocks her down in his rush to follow.   A beautiful aside from Blanche who wonders if they wrote their own vows! Charlie pushes the driver aside and, shades of Richard Hillman, tears off with Shelley in the back.  Fully expecting the canal to come into view,  instead he screeches to a stop in a deserted field (not easy to do when  you’re on dirt).  Sneeringly, he arrogantly predicts that Shelley will  regret her actions and come crawling back to him tomorrow.  However, Shel  has realised he controlled her so much that he made her lose her family and  mates so, hiking up her dress, she strides determinedly off to become the  girl she was before (both) wedding(s). But first, she stops off at a telephone booth on the High Street to call  Zack and book another appointment.  He’s thrilled that she told Charlie to  sling his hook, it’s the bravest thing he’s ever heard.  Still on an  adrenaline rush, she stops an old woman to proclaim “I jilted HIM!  I can do  better!”  Of course you can, cherub – we’re all behind you!

Back at the Rovers, Betty is concerned about Shelley, yes of course she is.   But, woman after my own heart, her highest priority is what to do about the  buffet.  Over in the booth, Fiz wonders if it’s bad taste to ask her to open  it.  Well, that’s not in bad taste (after all, there’s no point throwing it  away), but affianced couple Les and Cilla are.  Determined to pay him back after telling all and sundry (when Cilla’s not around) about Sally the  Flasher, Chesney has slightly altered the time of the non-wedding from 1pm  to 4pm.  Sitting in the church, they sneer about the poor attendance and  dream about how well they will do in the old present haul when they get  hitched in a month’s time. Returning to the street, Chesney tells them that everyone is in the Rovers  and they should go in to wish the happy couple all the best.  Unperturbed by  the missing bride and groom, Les tells all and sundry that Charlie’s a very  lucky man.  Upon hearing that the wedding didn’t go exactly as planned,  Cilla oily slipped in that the acoustics were very bad!

Meanwhile, concern is starting to grow that although Charlie brought the car  back, Shelley wasn’t in it.  Though she’s lost her veil somewhere along the  line, she makes it back to the Rovers just as Bev comes outside for a breath  of fresh air.  Mother and daughter bond literally as well as figuratively  then they walk inside to rapturous applause.  Shelley then gets the go-ahead  for Bev to move back into the Rovers, her old room and her daughter’s life.

In the Wetherfield Arms, Jason has gone looking for his gaffer and finds him  crying into his beer.  It’s Zack’s fault!  It’s Shelley’s fault!  She’s a  control freak – she had me dancing to her tune.  She’s a selfish cow!  I’ll  think about having her back!  I’ll give her a bit of encouragement!  I WILL  have her back!  Go home, Jason, and give Violet one from me!  Little did poor Jason know he meant it literally. Charlie’s conquest from the previous night props up the bar to be the next  abused victim: “You were a one night stand and that’s all you’ll ever be –  go away, you slut!”  Rightly offended, she retorts “She’s had a lucky escape  that girl!” Jase doesn’t know whether he still has a job, because after all Charlie  wouldn’t want to stay around here would he.  Well, yes he would.  He won’t  give Emily back her deposit on the house repairs he was hired to do and, as  she can’t afford to have it done by someone else otherwise, tells him to hurry up with it. With Bev earwigging at the door, Charlie lets Shelly know that he has  forgiven her, has forgotten about how she treated him at the wedding and  they can just continue on as before.  The trouble is, of course, that  Shelley can’t, hasn’t and won’t forgive him for the humiliation he inflicted upon her. In some rather tiresome scenes, Bev tries to threaten Charlie and he keeps  getting the better of her.  Just like my mate Cheryl’s nose after she had  the Hoopi Ear Wax Candling treatment on Thursday night, it looks like this  is going to run and run.

Meanwhile in the bar, Jack spots some familiar, if unexpected, looking  faces.  It wasn’t totally clear to me if Violet recognised the band members  in Status Quo (yes, it’s THE Quo, the real thing and not some watered down  imitation tribute band), but she replies that they look like “the bunch of  loser mates of me dad’s down at the boozer!” Jack asks the gofer with “getting-all-the-rounds-in” responsibilities why  Francis Rossi is wearing a neck brace.  The roadie sighs – it’s that old  story about how some nutter at a concert in Doncaster (South Yorkshire)  twenty years ago jumped onto the stage, grabbed Francis’ leather thong wrist  band then did a header back into the audience … unfortunately hauling  Francis along with him as he was still wearing the wrist band at the time.   He’ll never forget the face of that ginger idiot who has caused years of  pain.  Hmmm … Jack tells Chesney to find the biggest Quo fan on the Street who is definitely ginger and definitely an idiot! Unfortunately after the recent spate of practical jokes, Les is unwilling to  believe that Francis Rossi and the other one who has hair like a girl are  sitting in his local.  Too late he runs out with his stack of albums to see  them boarding their people carrier and driving off.  Dejectedly, Les sinks  into the gutter, sobbing.  Not the first time that’s happened, I warrant.   But despair turns into joy turns into pain.  The vehicle rounds the corner  again.  Francis jumps out and bops him on the chin.  Neck brace or no,  Francis must pack a mean wallop as the next thing we know, Les is on the  ground being kicked in the side.  Francis is finally pulled away and bundled into the vehicle as Les moans in what must have been dreamed up in a drunken  story writers’ meeting “They beat me up!  Status Quo beat me up!” Predictably, Cilla sees the positive side and starts calling up “No win, no  fee” solicitors who, when they hear she wants to sue Status Quo, just as  predictably hang up in her shell-like.  Les glumly takes off his neck brace.   Although the Quo can’t prove it is him who yanked off the leather wrist  band that he now uses as a key chain, neither can he prove that it was Francis who beat him up.  Kirk is puzzled … surely the photos he took with his digital camera will prove it!  Back on goes the neck brace as ker-ching goes the cash register that suffices for Cilla’s heart. Cilla and Yana have already spent the half a million quid Cilla is sure the  Quo are good for.  After all, if their brief, with whom Les is currently meeting, is any doubt about the authenticity of the claim, there is always the tabloids whose readers can make up their own mind.  Major fan Les comes back from the solicitor’s with fantastic news … they will play at their wedding for free – what more could Cilla want!  Apparently to smack Les across the chops, which she does with gusto.

You know how some men look really good in a beard (Brian Blessed, for example) and some men look really grotty (Charlie Stubbs)?  Well, Gail is  still mooning over grotty-looking Phil (not literally, that would have been far too much for my frail sensibilities) but has agreed to answer his questions about her last husband.  In a scenario I have seen so my times  amongst my female acquaintances of a certain age, she had wanted so  desperately to be in a couple that she couldn’t see anyone else and ignored  her responsibilities as a daughter and mother.  Yes, Gail sighs, Richard was  fault-free, apart from that trifling matter of being a serial killer.  At  her age, you tend to lower your sights! However the next morning, Gail is bouncing around the kitchen, out of beat,  out of tune, looking and sounding nothing like Kylie who’s on the radio in  the background (get better soon, Kyles!).  She’s feeling like the Platt du  jour after unburdening herself to Phil and sets about to persuade Sarah to  do the same. However, Gail is doomed to be disappointed in lurve.  I am so pleased that  Phil is actually interested in Eileen and asks her out.  They have a  wonderfully tender moment together on the sofa at hers and only miss a loving first kiss by Jason who walks in at just the wrong moment.  I have  high hopes for this relationship as Eileen is one of my favourite characters.  I’m sure that she and Sean between them will manage to convince  Phil to get rid of the beard.

In other news, the Fox mascot turns out to be a vixen (looking substantially  more buxom out of her costume) and Martin is interested.  I was interested  in that tall, dark, handsome extra in the Rovers in the background – wish  he’d bellied up to the bar so I could get a better look.

Liz has also walked out on her job as she has decided Diggory’s offer to  become the latest crumpet in his shop is preferable to the abuse she’s been  experiencing at the Wethie Arms.  She starts to regret it though the moment he squeezes her behind the baps, though it’s his French stick she really has to worry about!

Danny’s had to break a date with Leanne as Frankie has booked a table in The Clock as the ball and chain has booked a table in honour of his dead dad’s  (who was really his step-dad uncle) birthday.  To ease the disappointment,  he hands her £100 which she promptly uses to take Janice for dinner at  Weatherfield’s swankiest restaurant.  Sussing that Leanne must be having it  off with a married man (what other possible explanation could there be for  the Maitre D’ to greet her by name?), she then starts setting little traps  to find out who it could be.  Initially influencing Kelly to believe it is  Lloyd, she comes back unexpectedly and finds her gaffer in an exceedingly  compromising position with Leanne.  You just know that Janice is going to  try to use this to her advantage!

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