Corrie weekly updates from 1995, 17 years in 17 e-books
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Well, here we are again. If you remember, a few weeks ago I
let my mother script the weekly update in her own inimitable,
tell-it-like-it-is style. She's had a flood of email, well, I've
had a flood of email addressed to her, asking her to write another
update soon. So, back by popular demand, here she is, me mam.
As with last time, she's here with me in my spare room at home
(which I grandly call 'the study' but it is really the spare room
that houses my computer and the ironing board). I've just opened
a bottle of something red and fruity and as I write this intro,
she's pouring two glasses of it for us while we spend the next
hour or so writing this update. She'll read to me from her notes
(yes, she's made notes this time) and I'll type her words, verbatim.
Where I add something myself (I'll put it in brackets like this
so you'll know it's me speaking). So, ladies and gentlemen, without
further ado, here she is again, that lady of a certain age, me mam.
"Am I on now? Am I pet? Yes, yes, got me notes here, hang on, I'll just pop me glasses on so I can read me writing. You know I was late for the ladies club on Friday night pet to stay in and watch Coronation Street, I hope they appreciate it. Oh, you're not writing that are you? What? You're writing everything I say? Can I smoke in here pet? Well I'm not going out to the garden like last time, I bet you never put that in the update, did you? Made me go out into the garden for a ciggie everyone, she did. (me: Mam, that top looks new) What? Well, you know, I thought I'd do this professionally, you know, look the part with me notes and all that. Yes, yes, I know, hang on, I'll just have a sip of wine then I'll start.
Right, what's first then? I suppose the main story was the Fiona and Steve thing, wasn't it? He's a no good for nothing isn't he? And that Maxine, well, she's all vogue on the outside and vague on the inside. Anyway, Fiona throws him out of the flat and he takes off down to London but while he's away, Jim goes to see Fiona and waffles on about his son being a good lad, well, he would really, any parent would. But I tell you, I wouldn't have that scumbag in my house. So, Fiona tells Jim that it was Steve what pushed him off the scaffolding. Well, he doesn't want to believe her of course, and then Liz goes to see Fiona, annoyed she had told Jim the truth. Steve swans back from London, doesn't he? walks right in his dad's kitchen, helps himself to a beer and acts like nothing's the matter. Steve threatens Fiona in the street for telling Jim and the whole thing's a right old mess so Fiona decides to leave Weatherfield. Mind you, I saw her in the nuddy on the front of the TV Times this week and I don't think we need to see that sort of thing in Coronation Street, do you pet?
Hang on a bit pet, I'm still trying to read me notes here, I can't even read me own writing, what's this? Silly and Grog... ha ha... (me: oh no, she's cackling) ha ha... ha ha.. Sally and Greg!! I thought it said.. what pet? Do you want me to do this my way or not then? Well just be quiet and pour us another glass of wine. Well, Sally wants to see her kids, I mean, that's natural enough, the poor girl's not allowed to see her own children, that's terrible, really it is. That Greg one is up to no good either, he doesn't want the children around but Sally can't see what he's really like. He's a bad un. Kevin needs to find a babysitter so he asks that old slapper doesn't he? Who? Natalie, that's her. He asks Natalie and then Sally gets all upset when she sees her little girl with her. One of the children stay with Sally and Greg for tea but ends up pouring her pop all over his computer. It's all a bit daft really isn't it?
(we've just had a bit of a break as my phone just rang then and it was CP Turner, the Wednesday updater. He rang for a bit of a chat about his love life and some advice on his begonias. Mam and CP don't know each other so I put her on the phone to him). (me: What did you think of CP, then mam?) What a lovely boy he was, really lovely Glenda. He was telling me all about his mother and her trip to Lourdres, mind, she sounds a martyr to her bunions. She's lucky to have a nice boy like that, is he married then pet? What pet? Who is? CP is? Is he really? Well, live and let live, that's what I always say, and I bet *his* carpets couldn't do with a good hoover like some I could mention).
Pour us another glass of wine then pet, what? Two glasses, I've only had two so far, pet. Can I have another cigarette then pet? Well open the bloody window if it bothers you so much, it was you what asked me to come here to do this, remember. So, what else happened this week then? I can't remember much can you? It was all Sally and Greg, Fiona and Steve wasn't it? Oh, Curly's still missing but Alma and whatshisname, that scruff pot, aye, Spider, they're onto the case and are going to go after that Anne to find out what's going on. What pet? You don't do you? Fancy Spider? But he's a bloody mess, lass! A bit of rough? I don't think you can beat a smartly dressed chap in a suit and tie. That Alf, he's always smart. Oh aye, so what else happened, I've got no more notes here, I'm just trying to remember off the top of me head. Jack and Vera have opened a joint bank account, but we're not sure what the point of that was all about yet except Jack wants to put a thousand pounds on a bet without Vera knowing.
So I think that's it, have I done alright again pet? I like doing these updates you know. Oh, here she is!! Me bairn!! (me: the dog has just come into the room). Who's me baby? Who's grandma's little girl? Who's Joan's sweetheart? Ahhh, give us a hug Sophie, give us a hug. Oh Glenda, do you ever bath this dog? She bloody stinks, get your tongue out of me ear Sophie, there's a good girl. Sit! Sit! Sit Sophie, sit! Sit! Does she sit, Glenda? Why I thought you went to dog training classes didn't you? Well that was a waste of twenty five quid then wasn't it? I don't care if she used to sit in class, she's not doing it now, is she. Who's grandma's girl? Who's me bairn? Our Sophie, what a love, give us a hug you big softie, who's me bairn?
Glenda :-)
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