Corrie weekly updates from 1995, 17 years in 17 e-books
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This update written by John Dean as Glenda was away.
We begin with Linda and the 2 Baldwin men in her life (or Maak and Maaak as she calls them). Having, tautologically, described Leanne as a thief and a Battersby, Mike want's Mark's opinion on whether he can trust Linda on her hen night. We know the answer to that one, don't we boys and girls? After Mike has gone, Mark tells Linda he can hardly bear to look at her. And yet, strangely, he manages to. Although he looks as if he would like to rip her arms off and beat her senseless with the soggy ends. And not in a nice way either.
Sally springs the idea of a holiday on Danny. He congratulates her on having thought the thing through - the girls are now back at school, there's no-one to look after the shop and, oh yes, the bucket-load of money they have accumulated for their leisure time. Sally assures him Kevin will look after the girls. Imagine how pleased Danny is that Kevin's name has surfaced.
Vik ferries Toyah to the Rovers but refuses to help her and Geena with the heavy luggage on account of they might accuse him of sexism. He also makes it clear he is not frightened of a bunch of women on a hen night. Eileen can't make up her mind - is he brave or stupid? (We know, don't we.?)
Toyah throws her keys back at Vinnie who tries to insist on her giving a month 's notice. A cleavage enters the room followed by Natalie who adds to Vinnie's discomfiture by explaining Toyah is their new lodger. Against Vinnie's objections she insists Toyah is gobby but harmless.(she's half right, isn't she boys and girls?)
Deirdre asks Dev for the day off to go to the wedding. Devastating Dev gives her the OK, a smouldering look, and a meaningful wink. Deirdre jumps into the ice-lolly freezer to keep from melting away.
In the Rovers the hen-night starts with Linda being given the traditional daft frock and an L-sign, the Underworld girls sup champagne and Janice is keen to get at the cheap booze and cheap blokes. Their carriage awaits - Vik with a stretch limo.
Meantime Natalie lays down the rules for her new lodger. Toyah waits politely till she's finished and points out with a sweet smile that ''Our Leanne said you were a right cow but you're all right really''.
Mike and Alma have a heart to heart and she wishes him well.
On the hen night they're off with the tequila slammers. Hayley is last to finish and is dared to get a snog in 30 seconds. Linda volunteers to take her place and accosts a barman (after reminding him that's *her* gold card behind the bar) and even takes out her chewing gum before doing the deed - and they said she was a trollop!
Meantime Alma and Mark are having a heart to heart (not sure which part of ex-wife and ex-step-mum Alma doesn't get). She points out at least Linda is loyal to Mike. 'So why's she been sleeping with me?' Alma is shocked - 'Once, I could understand, but to keep doing it..'
Back at the hen-night Vik is trying to get the hens into the limo. Those in North America who had the pleasure of seeing the cat-herding commercial during the superbowl will have an idea what this is like.
Danny confesses he finds it difficult with Kevin around, but gives Sally a holiday peace offering - a bucket and spade. Smooth or what?
Next day Linda is nursing a queen-sized hangover. Mike tells her he likes the 'sexy but wrecked' look. (which, of course, is pretty much a no-brainer for la Sykes)
Sarah-Lou wants mum to babysit so she can go to the cinema with Candice (or even 'Candeeece') Gail points out she's had the baby all day and it's her turn to go out. Sarah sulks. Is she going to turn into John Shaft and be a bad mother..?
Sally tells Rita Kevin will be looking after the girls. Will Rita look after Kevin? Of Course. Sally manages to fit her essentials into 18 suitcases and they 're off.
Mike bumps into Alma carrying out the contents of the Kabin's magazine rack to read on her holiday flight. She bursts into tears as soon as his back is turned.
Steve the Taxi picks up an attractive young lady and offers to carry her shopping. She directs him to an underground car-park where Jez Quigley, the Evil Dr Fu-Man-Chester himself appears, with two rottweilers and a selection of minions, lackeys, hirelings and henchpersons. They set about Steve who follows Jez's advice to lie back, close his eyes and think of England. Then they set about the Taxi.
Gary and Paula have a day out with the kids, including lunch at Roy's Rolls with *extra chips*. Wow!
Hayley calls on Sarah-Lou and offers her services as babysitter 'anytime'. Sarah-Lou shoots out the door immediately - she has to 'borrow some books from a friend for a school project'
Mike goes round to see Alma. He thinks Alma is bitter about him remarrying. She doesn't disabuse him. Linda and Geena drink champagne in the bridal suite. Linda is sure she'll be all right with Mike. Geena asks will she be happy? No reply.
Meanwhile, on the floor of the car-park, the one actor who has been celebrated on ratucs throughout his Corrie career as being a triumph of the embalmer's art and a credit to the undertaking profession, known to generations of updaters as 'Cadaver Boy' is called upon to play dead. From where this reporter was sitting Ladies and Gentlemen, I have to say he didn't do it very convincingly.
And the credits roll in silence. As you will discover later in this update, Steve pulls through. So what a swizz to use the device that heralded the departure of such as Alf and Alison and Judy to con the audience. Boo, Granada.
Next day, the Police ring Eileen to tell her they've found Steve's cab wrecked on the Rusholt estate. (They say Rusholt, but we Mancs know what they really mean, eh Boys and Girls?) Vik and Jim go to look for Steve.
Linda is having her hair done when a parcel is delivered - sapphire earrings from Mike so she can have 'something blue'. No indication what she has that's borrowed, but clearly she's had something new (Mark) and will shortly be having something old (Mike). 3 out of 4 isn't bad.
Jim finds Steve and Vik calls the emergency services. The Doctor in ER asks Jim how Steve came by these injuries. Duh!
Meanwhile the guests begin to arrive at the wedding hotel. A strange woman wanders around playing violin. No one seems to notice her, no-one mentions her, she plays stuff no-one can identify (until the wedding when she gives us 'Here Comes the Bride'. Has there been a falling out with the Musicians' Union?
Janice tells Mark he's not losing a Dad, he's gaining a wicked stepmother. Ten minutes to W-hour and Mark goes out 'for some fresh air' and discovers Linda having a smoke (tailor-mades for once - going up in the world) All the old malarkey of 'I can't bear to look at you' and 'What we had is over' is tossed to the winds. Mark implores her to run away with him. She refuses. Mark hurls the wedding rings to the ground. A hobbit appears and picks them up (oh, sorry, wrong story).
Geena tells Mike that Mark is throwing up. Hayley diplomatically volunteers Roy for stand-in best man (lucky Roy put the V-neck pully on under his suit so he really looks the part - LOL). Mike asks Deirdre to make a note in his diary - make some new friends'. The bride and best woman appear and see Roy as best man, which at least puts the smile back on their faces. And so, in front of the Corrie cast in their posh duds (and an honourable mention to Rita who is wearing a hat that looks like a demented fruit-bat), Michael Vernon Baldwin and Linda Strumpet Sykes (OK, OK I made the middle name up) take their solemn vows.
Back at the hospital Steve's injuries are evaluated as 7 broken ribs, broken fingers, severe bruising and internal injuries. He manages to indicate to Jim that Jez was responsible. Jim ponders for many hours over what to do (only kidding) - Jim takes Vikram's car keys and heads round to Jez's flat...
Back in the Street, Gary and Paula have a mucky day in while Jack and Vera look after the kids. Though I have to say, for a couple who claim to have been having downright dirty, illegal in 48 states kind of sex for 5 hours, they look remarkably clean and tidy, not even a hair out of place. They agree they are in love and Gary will move in with Paula in Blackpool.
Roy now realises that the best man has to make a speech. Les offers him some blue jokes. Roy stands up. Hayley crosses her fingers. Roy starts outlining the difficulties Mike and Linda have had - 'First there was the age gap, then the idea of the well-to-do businessman marrying the lowly factory machinist.' Hayley is now watching through her fingers, as are myself and the Mrs Dean and the cats (who seem to have evolved fingers for the purpose) Will this be a disaster? No, it's a triumph. Roy explains he knows something about funny looks and raised eyebrows, and he would like to speak up for odd couples everywhere. Hayley's eyes are shining, 20 million viewers are sobbing into their cocoa. All we're missing are Charlotte Church singing 'Jerusalem' and Kenneth Branagh reciting All things counter, original, spare, strange; Whatever is fickle, freckled (who knows how?) With swift, slow; sweet, sour; adazzle, dim; He fathers forth whose beauty is past change:
Meantime, back in Rusholt, Jim bursts into Jez's flat and provokes him into a fight. Jim has obviously thought this one through with his usual thoroughness, putting Jez into the same hospital as his ailing son and with even more reason to wish him harm.
Roy tells Hayley he sometimes feels guilty about keeping all her love to himself. 'Funny you should mention that..' Hayley wants them to have a baby. Roy's reaction is that it isn't possible. Hayley obviously decides to take her time about explaining the mechanics to Roy.
And Mike and Linda enter the bridal suite to find Mark has supped the contents of the mini-bar and trashed the room. He's even blown his nose on Linda's going-away outfit. Mike, loving father as he has always been, hits Mark a couple of times. Mark explains he and Linda were having sex on the factory floor an hour before Mike asking her to wed. And what did Mike think they were doing on the driving lessons.?
Mike drags Mark into the bathroom and gives him an impromptu shower. Don't ask me why. Don't ask me where Mark gets the dry shirt from either. Mike wants to know who else knows. Linda assures him, no-one outside this room. (heh heh) Mike wants to know how often they 'did it'. 'More than once?' (Again with the once is OK twice isn't rule, where did that come from?). Linda agrees she 'made a mistake' (or two or three or several dozen)
Gary and Paula ask Warren how he feels about Gary moving in. Warren is fine about it and wants to know what's for pudding. Gary agrees to put his house on the market. Vik keeps vigil by Steve's bedside. Jim turns up with scuffed knuckles and notes Steve is getting some colour back in his face (red and yellow actually)
Mark doesn't think it's possible to own people. Mike disagrees. 'Linda is MINE. And no-one messes with what's mine. Linda decides to soften the blow by explaining to Mike that 'It was just sex'. Surprisingly, this approach doesn't work. She explains 'All this was the old Linda. She's gone now. This is the new Linda'. I don't know about you, dear reader, but I find people who talk about themselves in the third person are extremely spooky. Mike isn't bothered. Mark admits he tried to get Linda to run away with him. He tells Mike Linda invented a story that Mike had 3 months to live, just to keep Mark in Weatherfield. Linda shakes her head pityingly. Mike makes his mind up. 'You 're no son of mine - get out'. Linda smiles her secret little smile. Eileen turns up at the hospital and suggests getting some grapes from the shop. Vik points out Steve is in no position to eat grapes. 'Never mind', chirps Eileen, 'I love them. I'll just pop to the shop'
At the bedside she cheerfully tells Steve he looks awful. She claims to have taken the day off as a mark of respect but admits it was quiet anyway. Vik sees Jez being wheeled down the corridor just as Steve is telling Jim the good thing about this is that it's all over. Jim has the grace to blush.
A new use is discovered for Rita's hat - it acts as a fly screen to keep insects off Anthony's face while he's whizzing her around the floor. Linda comes down and throws her bouquet. Geena catches it and drops it like a hot potato into Rita's arms, Rita hands it off to Audrey who passes it to Jeremy Guscott who scores ... whoops, wrong game.
The happy couple are driven off into the dull grey sky that passes for sunset in Weatherfield. Linda wants to know how she was? Mike says she almost fooled him. But we know there's no 'almost' involved, don't we boys and girls?
Finally, my request. Many years ago I heard a Canadian group on Brit TV singing a song called 'Dief will be the Chief again'. From the Internet, I find this must have been a group called Stringband. But I can't find the lyrics anywhere. So if anyone has the words to this hymn of praise to the great John Diefenbaker, I'd love to hear from you
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