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This week's update written by Janet Penny as Glenda was away.
The Head calls in the parents of Luke, graffiti artist ordinaire,
to lay down the law. Quelle horreur for Charlie Ramsden when her
birth mother, Pam, enters the room. Of course, the totally believable
explanation was that Luke was absolutely crushed when Miss came
to his home and has had a hard time adjusting to the fact that
she is his half sister. After a very stern "Learn how to
spell properly" from the Head, Charlie is aghast to realise
he's being let off.
The following day, Charlie pulls a sickie and is visited at
home by Pam who makes it clear where her priorities lie. This
tricky situation can't continue and Luke can't be moved to another
school, therefore the verdict is clear - the lovely Mrs Ramsden
will have to quit and furthermore stay out of my life forever!
Oh Charlie, luv, you really didn't think this through, did you?
Cue very large bottle of whatever is handy and buckets of tears.
Eve and Fred have returned tanned and relaxed from their honeymoon.
Audrey, somewhat ungraciously I thought, tries to make amends
by offering to buy Eve a drink, but Eve smiles oily and says "Not
while I'm working, thanks." Eve has more important things
on her mind ... like what's happened to Linda? She finds out that
neither Geena nor Karen have seen hide nor hair of Linda since
the wedding.
Liam Gallagher (or was it Noel?) takes a break from his day
job being a rock star in Oasis and has a brow wax before venturing
into the Rovers to greet Fred with a cheery "Hello, stepdaddy,
aren't you going to buy me a drink?" Not, I say, not bloody
likely! Eve pounces on Ryan to find out if he knows anything of
Linda's whereabouts, but as he quite rightly states, when did
Linda ever take him into her confidence? It's up to Audrey to
break the bad news. Eve's not best pleased that all and sundry,
including her new hubbie, were aware that Mike is planning on
divorcing his missus. She marches him into the back to be stunned
by the news of Linda's affair with Maaak ("But he's just
a kid!") and Harvey Reubens. Despite having been estranged
for lo these many years, her mother's intuition tells her that
something is wrong ... seriously wrong.
Lordy, lordy ... look who's forty! Eileen is trying to keep
this milestone quiet, which is fine with her sons who claim they
don't have the money to buy her big gifts. Despite Dennis' protestations
that a celebration is in order, Eileen insists she will forever
remain 39. Of course the news gets out to Les and Janice. As you
can imagine, he doesn't say anything to make her happier about
the date but Janice is much more proactive. She and Eileen settle
down with a glass of wine (probably Concha y Toro) and make imaginary
lists of the perfect present ... until Dennis and Les return from
the chippie. Janice secretly hands the list over to Dennis and
suggests that he might find something on there appropriate to
mark the occasion.
There's a classic scene in the corner shop when Candice offers
her congratulations to Eileen as Todd has mentioned that it's
his mum's "50th birthday or something"! Eileen is practically
apoplectic as she declares "It most certainly is NOT!"
as she flounces out the door. Candice mumbles something about
how hard it is to tell how old wrinklies are anyway!
The big moment arrives and Eileen comes downstairs in one of
Underworld's best lingerie sets to find her sons acting suspiciously
- they are up, showered and dressed at nine on a Saturday morning
(certainly questionable in our household!). They and Dennis claim
she had insisted this day was to be ignored ("And you believed
me????"), so only Todd has bought her a card, a filthy one
that he had to hunt really hard for as they don't sell those kind
in the Kabin. Somewhat disappointed by the underwhelming reception,
Eileen does her best to salvage a semblance of dignity as Dennis
tries to make amends by taking her to Roy's Rolls for her birthday
... brekkie?
As they come out the front door, her attention is drawn to
the big sign hanging between the two windows: "It's Eileen's
40th birthday, but keep it quiet!" then a big brass band
comes walking around the corner playing Happy Birthday. I was
rather hoping it would be that one from The Full Monty, with maybe
the trumpet player in a G-string, but it turned out to be from
the local water pollution plant, or something!
The table is set at Roy's for a French breakfast, complete
with balloons, croissants, a drink my Aunt Dorothy refers to as
"Happy Orange", a souvenir of Blackpool Tower standing
in for the Eiffel structure ... and Dennis, Jason and Todd, obviously
just escaped from the 'Allo 'Allo set, in berets, striped jumpers
and a string of onions round their necks! To top it all off, later
that day, Dennis hands Eileen tickets - they're off to Gay Paree!
During all of this, there's a touching moment as Janice looks
at Dennis and regrets what might have been.
Eileen manages to wrangle Vik into giving her the morning off
to shop for new clothes for her weekend away (funny that men just
don't seem to understand that it really doesn't matter how many
you already have, a holiday means new knickers). Jason teases
Dennis about how much money Mum is spending, and says he's lucky
she's doing her shopping here instead of in Paris. However, Eileen
soon sets the record straight - she's not planning a tour of the
museums or the Arc de Triomphe, but exhibiting yet more purchasing
power!
Dennis blanches at the thought - he needs more money fast.
Ryan is still in the Rovers, sporting a lovely black leather jacket
which must have put a significant dent in that 200 he owes Dennis
from the scam with car radios he conned Jason into purchasing
a few months back. Putting Peter and Steve Macdonald's feeble
little attempts at machismo to shame, he twists Ryan's arm and
tells him he needs the money by Friday.
I must have missed the bit where Mike Baldwin went to a trade
show and left Janice in charge (trying hard to concentrate on
digesting too big a mouthful of chocs and wine, I suppose), but
Ryan spies her counting out the wages and begs a sub. Janice is
having none of it as this is her moment to shine so, Writers,
please let's not have another cash snatch in less than a month!
All the girls gather in the shop to pump Sunita for news on
how the date with Duggie went. May I interrupt myself at this
point to state how much more suited to her face are Deirdre's
new specs. Ashley was right - not only do "they take years
off you!" but dare I say it ... I can now see how attractive
she is (and believe me, I never thought I'd ever hear myself pronouncing
such a statement!). But, I digress.
Sunita isn't saying too much but the game is given away by
Duggie blurting out in front of the "gurrls" how much
he'd like to take her out again. Unfortunately, he can't get anyone
to work his shift at the Rovers and prepares a light meal of warmed
up frozen dinners from Freshco for the two of them. He profusely
apologises to Sunita as his original intention had been to take
her to Delphine's but the hussy sidles close, throws her arms
around him and says "But at Delphine's, I wouldn't have been
able to do ...this!" and plants a big wet one on him (and
kisses him, too). Duggie appears quite happy with the change in
plans after all!
While I'm dishing out compliments, it's really a pleasure to
see Gail with a smile on her face, too. Such a change, and although
the new hairstyle isn't much of a departure from the old, it does
remove the rather rat-like physiognomy she used to present to
the world. It seems to have captured Richard's heart as he makes
various attempts to whisk her away for a drink, dinner, a holiday
but she's having none of it while there's laundry to be ironed
(for heaven's sake, how much ironing does polyester take?). I
had thought Audrey might offer to lend a hand, but no such luck.
Her contribution to the conversation consisted of "I'm assuming
you meant only Gail!"
Now, Geena is undoubtedly the most attractive of barmaids with
a congenial personality. I'd be pleased to be on the receiving
end of one of her mega watt smiles anytime, in a platonic sort
of way I hasten to add. Come to think of it, Dev is really rather
tasty himself [sorry, Glenda, but I never did see Spider as a
sex symbol] and together they add the kind of glamour to the Street
which hasn't been seen since ... ermmm ... Roy and Hayley? ...
Hilda and Stan? ... Elsie Tanner and Len Fairclough? ... ermmm
... rewind. Together they add the kind of glamour to the Street
that easily rivals Steve and Mel in EastEnders!
However, if there is one area in which the lovely Geena falters,
it is her taste in undeniably tight and trashy outfits. She has
slaved over a vegetarian meal (despite Dev's protestations that
although Hindu, they are very "relaxed") and cleaned
the flat to sparkling perfection, but the outfit she selects to
meet his parents for the first time is somewhat lacking in material.
It would not have been my choice to select a cut of fabric which
simply screamed "Here is my cleavage, please admire my bosoms",
transparent on the back apart from a sprinkling of sequins and
slung low on the hips revealing an expanse of about five inches
of nicely tanned belly, but then again I am naturally more conservative
by nature. [Look at chocolate, look at Geena, look at Dev, look
at Wallace & Grommit socks tucked into fluffy bunny slippers.
Eat chocolate anyway.]
She has certainly made an impression upon his father, Ranjiv,
who cannot be pried from Geena's side. However, his accountant
mother has some major concerns, expressed privately to Dev in
the bijou kitchen, that as a barmaid, Geena doesn't have the same
sort of career plans she would have expected from a potential
girlfriend of her beloved son. It's clear to Geena that Mum isn't
treating this as a serious relationship and after battling with
her own mother yet again in the Rovers, she's feeling quite despondent.
Matters aren't helped any when Geena's mum confronts Dev in
the corner shop, telling him that he's obviously a nice man "as
ower Geena wouldn't go for rubbish" but it's just not on.
Dev is becoming increasingly perturbed as is Geena who cries the
day away when Dev tells her he's off to the Swinton shop Sunday
(but didn't as Sunita checked). She's packed her bag (though I
seem to remember a whole lorryload when Dev moved her in last
week) and is stunned when Dev drops to one knee, produces an amazing
solitaire bauble set in platinum and asks her to marry him. That,
he is sure, will indicate to both sets of parents just how serious
he is about the lovely Geena. They have all been invited for dinner
on Wednesday.
Despite her blondeness, up to this point Shelley never appeared
to be a few butties short of a picnic. As a matter of fact, I
would have said she had the makings of a natural landlady, in
the mode of the great Bet Gilroy. After confessing his abortive
attempt to break into Rob Lucas' car to return the £5,000,
Shelley comes up with a brilliant plan - Peter can distract Rob
by buying him a drink at the counter (someone who just sacked
him, puhleeze!) whilst she slips the package into his coat pocket.
For someone who can reel off an entire drinks list, calculate
sums in her head, give back exact change without faltering AND
halt unwanted sexual interest without causing offence, Shelley
fails to realise that Rob entered the Rovers in a gentleman's
Burberry raincoat, not that tatty shamrock green leather jacket.
Desperately she tries to recall who had been in the Rovers and
off the two of them run to stop Les Battersby from thrusting all
that money down his boxers so Janice won't discover it.
It turns out that Les wasn't the sudden recipient of all that
wealth and Peter despairs ... until Shelley spies the jacket walking
up the street to the Corner Shop. Of all people, it turns out
to belong to Ken Barlow, who is absolutely astonished to pull
out the largest wad he's seen in this lifetime out of his pocket
to pay for his baked beans.
Not having been a trolley dolly all his life, Ken puts two
and two together and, back home at No1, harangues Peter over his
thieving ways. Of course, that's not the way his progeny sees
it - it's all Ken's fault Peter was forced to take it because
Daddy wouldn't give him the dosh! Ken gives him an ultimatum:
pay back that money now or pater will pop along to the police
(OK, maybe not in those exact words, but the meaning was pretty
clear!).
Not a problem ... Rob comes in the following morning to see
a big "Under New Management" sign fluttering in the
breeze and Peter leaning back in Rob's chair with his feet up
on Rob's desk. Rob's not best pleased to see him and tries to
shoo him out before the New Management arrives. Spotting the smirk
on Peter's face, Rob deduces "You know something about the
new manager, don't you?" Peter admits that yes, he does -
it's a man with far more taste, talent and luck pulling birds
than Rob ever had. It gradually dawns upon Rob that the new manager
is Peter himself, confirmed when the 5000 is handed over in a
flourish of goodwill. With a flair of which even P.T. Barnum would
be proud, we're treated to Rob's eyes bulging out of his head
as he spits out threats of revenge - sometime, somewhere, by persons
unknown. Funnily enough, Peter wasn't expecting it and momentarily
cowers under the vengeance of The Bitter Bookie.
But never mind. The next day dawns bright and Peter, despite
the fact that he doesn't actually have his licence yet, has invited
everyone to the grand opening, ribbon to be cut by the lovely
Shelley. There is however the minor problem of no staff as they
all seemed to have been abducted by aliens (or Rob Lucas) overnight
and no one has turned up for work. Peter comes dashing into the
Rovers in his business outfit of shirt, tie and jeans (obviously
purchased by the same wardrobe department who buys Geena's work
clothes) and quizzes dear old Dad as he sits having a couple of
bevvies with Blanche (who would not be my first choice for a social
encounter): "How's your mental arithmetic?" Noticeably
pleased at being asked to do anything for Peter which doesn't
involve his own money, Ken jumps to the rescue. "What about
me?" whinges Blanche. "Sorry, luv, I think I'm sorted
now" replies Peter (gosh, I guess I haven't given Ken enough
credit over the years as he obviously is worth three fulltime
trained turf accountants). "I meant ... what about my next
drink?!" she retorts. Peter tosses her a fiver. It seemed
to be enough!
Roy comes in to "support his local business". He's
found a horse named "Hayley's Hero" and is willing to
have a little flutter ... a very little flutter of 50p! Peter
convinces him to up the stakes to 1 each way and lo and behold,
the long shot comes in and wins Roy a staggering 40, much to Peter's
dismay, though he had originally been trying to convince Roy to
go for a fiver!
Relaxing chez Barlow, Peter confides in his dad who's busy
ironing (Gail - did you hear???) that he's scared of losing everything
he's ever dreamed of .. the new business and a relationship (Shelley
seems to have forgiven him after all).
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