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Glenda was away, this week's update by Philippa and Fiona
Last week we left Ken Barlow enjoying a teenage sex romp a
trois (perhaps even a "menage a bois" seeing as how
the Plank was involved) on Leanne's bed. This whole sorry episode
came to its sad conclusion on Wednesday night with Les finally
being forced to admit to Janice that he was responsible for the
so-called ghostly happenings in the Street. Despite berating him
soundly and securing the £800 winning betting slip from
him, Janice demonstrated her endearing loyalty to her husband
by denying Les' involvement to Ken whilst simultaneously accusing
the smug floppy haired cardie-wearing one of being a pervert.
With this the whole matter appeared to be dropped, with Ken and
Em deciding it wasn't worth pursuing. Emily suggests that Les
may inadvertently have done her a big favour in prompting Percy's
departure.
Another of the Battersby clan was causing a stir this week
in her unending quest for Tilly Tilsley's cherry. Unbeknownst
to Nick, who had promised his mother that he and Leanne were finished,
Toyah had let slip the minor bombshell that when Ken had fallen
through the roof, his fall had been broken by naked writhing teenagers.
Let's hope he didn't get any splinters. An outraged Gail immediately
took off to let the Battersbys know what she thought of their
daughter. She didn't quite call Leanne the Weatherfield Bike but
came pretty close to it, causing the Battersbys to become understandably
angry. This was followed by her haranguing Nick about the dangers
of unprotected teenage sex. Gail becomes quite annoying in this
and the ensuing scenes. She is apparently terrified that Nick
will spend the next eighteen years being pursued by the Battersbys
for maintenance money. Do we care? I think not.
In fact, La Camelle seems to be making a habit of trying to
spoil other people's sex lives, dropping by once more to Sally's
just as she and Chris are beginning to smoulder at each other
meaningfully. However, the Sally and Chris thing is progressing
nicely, with the two of them sharing intimacies over a romantic
meal on Friday night. Meanwhile Kevin and Natalie fall out during
a satisfying scene where he falls asleep exhausted on the sofa
instead of joining her and her friends for a dinner party. She
rounds on him and gives him a verbal battering in the manner of
a couple who have been married for years. "Give me a break,
Natlie!" he whines, "I was out till all hours doing
a pick-up!" Yes, we know, Kevin, in that nightclub toilet
wasn't it?
Nastily however is not to be deterred; she soon forgives Kevin
and is on to her next Cosmo-woman venture - learning how to use
a spreadsheet! Yes, you can have it all! (Top tip Natalie, learn
to use a mouse first.) But who is this Computer Doyenne she has
brought along to unveil the mysteries of modern technology? None
other than Nastily's niece Lorraine, Essex Girl Supreme and latest
contender for the Liz McDonald Wig of the Week award (runner up:
Maxine). Lorraine has attained a diploma at night class and is
a temp, although Natalie tries hard to convey to Chris that she's
the next Wilhelmina Gates. Oh yes, Natalie has decided that Chris
and Lorraine would make a Lovely Couple now that Angie is off
the scene, and wastes no time in railroading him into a cosy foursome
dinner invitation. Little does she, or Kevin, know that Chris
is already involved with Sally - in fact Chris would rather that
this fact was out in the open to save him from having to lie to
Kevin, but Sally doesn't feel ready for this yet. In a beautifully
ironic scene, Chris asks Kevin how he would feel if Sally was
seeing someone else. Kevin arrogantly asserts that Sally is far
too wrapped up in the kids to think about it. Ha! Dream on, wimp!
Meanwhile, a house-hunting Drearie and Jon have found Rose
Tinted Cottage and have set their hearts on it. Actually it's
a rather naff looking detached executive rabbit hutch but they
mooch round it positively drooling and hanging off every pearl
of wisdom that falls from the estate agent's lips. It's Rachel,
of erstwhile Steve McDonald repute. "You'll have to move
fast - there's no such thing as a buyer's market with this sort
of property!" warns Rachel. "Oooh, we'll remember that!"
agrees Drearie. Unfortunately she manages to get even more stupid
as the week goes on, and before we know it she's cashed in Samir's
life assurance ("What life assurance?" "Shut up,
it's a plot device") and is insisting that Mr Tie n Lie takes
it as a deposit as their offer has allegedly been accepted. Later
he takes off to "York for a conference" or "home"
as the rest of the world calls it, where finally, his true profession
is revealed: he is a BBC sound effects technician. He impersonates
a train (yes really), with the aid of a cooker hood. Enter Linda
Lindsay who has just discovered Samir's deposit in the bank, (five
donations' worth by all account!), and starts planning her Christmas
shopping. Honestly Deirdre, get a grip! This has happened before
after all! But no, her short-sightedness knows no bounds.
While Deirdre drones on about houses and conservatories, a
lonely and slightly jealous Liz appears to be undergoing some
kind of mid-life crisis as her 40th (is that all?) birthday approaches.
She witters on to the Drear about how she has nothing, nobody
loves her, how pathetic she is, etc. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The upshot
of all this is that Jim ends up inviting her round for a meal
where she witters on to him in much the same vein. The alarm bells
sounded straight away as soon as we saw the red wine on the table,
and what she was wearing! She was encased in some kind of top
cleverly constructed from the black mats they use round the edge
of ice rinks to stop people from slipping. She begins by "scrubbing"
Jim's "worktops". Dear reader, could this be a taste
of what's to come? As the evening progresses, so does Mouton's
tongue, until it reaches its final destination - yes! Tickling
Jim's tonsils as the credits rolled and the horrified STV announcer
said "Well, well, well!" on behalf of viewers across
the land (and no doubt south of the border too). Obvious what
she wanted for her birthday, then.
Sure enough, the day of her birthday dawns and she has mysteriously
stayed the night again chez Jim. She appears in the living room
with one of her miniskirts around her eyes as they surprise her
with their gifts. The boys, no doubt embarrassed by their mother's
generally skimpy attire, have bought her clothes vouchers. Jim,
however, has bought a disgusting looking necklace of the kind
you win with those artificial crane-grabber things at funfairs.
She enthuses that it's an emerald (hmm, no), and that emeralds
are for healing. Jim makes clear that as far as he's concerned,
emeralds are for Ireland. In fact, he is being decidedly reticent
about the whole thing and who can blame him? Liz, however, is
convinced that Jim has changed and has "I'm Desperate, Take
Me Back" practically written across her forehead. (Fiona
has just looked up emeralds in Brewar and has informed me that
according to tradition, if a serpent fixes its eyes upon an emerald,
it becomes blind. Well, that's that then.)
Perhaps one reason that Jim is less than ecstatic about his
mutton kebab frenzy is the forthcoming wedding between The Psycho-Copper
from Hell and Medusa. In a touching scene Angie is to be seen
busily adjusting the pregnant one's wedding dress, when Alan arrives
home unexpectedly. When Maxine intercepts him on the stairs, he
clearly suspects that she is harbouring a man and turns a bit
nasty until Angie's voice reassures him. Oh dear, trouble ahead
there I think. Touchingly, Fiona's black bra straps can be seen
peeking out from beneath the wedding frock - it seems that she
has been taking fashion tips from you-know-who.
Finally, in a ludicrous and clumsy plot device worthy of a
Shakespearean comedy involving twins, a fool and some cross dressers,
(Kevin again?), Alec attempts to sack Betty by sending her a rather
curt, hand-delivered note. Said note has to be retrieved courtesy
of Ashley, who has a spare set of Betty's keys in order to deliver
two legs of lamb. It transpires that Billy has had a fatal heart
attack. This really was a sad excuse for a script and totally
failed to provoke any emotion at all as far as we were both concerned
- but then we're just hard, callous Scottish women (oops no, that's
just Fiona. I'm English.)
AWARDS
The Jilly Goolden Award
This week the award goes to Kevin for the immortal line as he
moans about Natlie's posh friends' dinner party: "Wine just
tastes like wine to me".
Euphemism of the Week
"Recreational Activities Afternoon" as quaintly referred
to by the teenage twosome. Oh yeah?!
PF & FH
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