NEW FOR KINDLE...
Corrie weekly updates from 1995, 17 years in 17 e-books
All the wit and warmth of Weatherfield, none of the waffle
Available from amazon.co.uk or amazon.com
Check out the Coronation Street Blog - it's FAB
This week's update written by the wonderful John Dean
So, Steve has had his 'Fire-fighter's Bonus' from Karen who obviously loves
a man in uniform even if he's not wearing one. Now all Steve has to do is
get 'The Mummy' on video and see if she loves a man in cuneiform.
BTW, when the cops arrived to tell Gail her Mother was at death's door in
Weatherfield General just days after Sarah was discharged, I think Gail
should have been wearing a tatty singlet, have her head shaved and a ciggie
in her mouth and say 'How can the same s**t be happening to the same Gail
twice?'
The new family arrives. Not sure if they're the Nelsons or the Osbournes.
The daughter is a dead ringer for Kelly 'who the f*** said that' Osbourne.
Richard is putting in the poison to everyone who will listen that Audrey is
a danger to herself and others.
Audrey's son & grandson have sent flowers from Canada. (Well, not *from*
Canada, that would take too long). They chosen a random florist in
Weatherfield to deliver a bunch of daffs. Which, of course, is Peter's bit
of posh the libidinous Lucy. Naturally she knows Archie, naturally she bumps
into him and naturally they go into the Rovers for a drink where, naturally,
she meets Shelley and, naturally, at that exact moment Peter walks in to see
his two lovers face to face.
Maxine and Doreen turn up at the Nelsons with a cup of sugar (wha?!?) and
try to elicit information. The Nelsons are shifty and obviously have ''A
Secret'' they wish to keep from the neighbours. Daughter Katy is not even
allowed to write to her former school friends. Turns out they're from
Sheffield and Tommy (the Dad) is a Mechanic.
Doreen gets a letter from her Solicitor - Hubby is going for a divorce,
citing Mike Baldwin as co-respondent and threatening to withdraw
maintenance. Mike makes it clear he wants nothing to do with Doreen until
the divorce is sorted.
Richard double-checks Audrey's medication with Martin. After all, he doesn't
want Audrey to suffer an overdose, does he? Mwahahahahaha!
Audrey blithely plans to go back to work, unaware that Richard and Gail have
decided she's not safe to be left on her own. Even when she wants to go for
a walk, Richard insists he would have to accompany her and Gail confirms it
'Mam, yer not safe to be left on yer own'. Audrey bursts into tears. Later
she hears Gail & Dastardly Dick discussing how to get Power of Attorney over
her affairs & she runs off. Richard gives chase.
Meanwhile Vik has a win on the Rovers' fruit machine & reinvests his
winnings at the Bookies. Sally tries to offer advice & he snaps at her.
Richard chases Audrey along the canal. She puts on a fair turn of speed for
an old 'un and beats him to Archies where she begs for Sanctuary. When
Richard tries to follow her in her voice gets higher and higher, up to
squeak level then ultrasonic. Bats start throwing themselves out of the
attic. (I made that last bit up.) She suddenly has a flash of insight -
Richard is after her money! He's trying to kill her!
How she deduces that from a man following her along the canal saying
'Audrey, we're only trying to help you' we have to take on faith.
Peter meantime returns to Shelley after a visit to Lucy. I notice now he's
stopped insisting on having a shower before starting the rumpeh-pumpeh with
Shelley. I mean - Ew!
Ew! Ew! Ew!
Audrey tries to persuade Archie she is perfectly sane. 'Go on - ask me some
questions, any questions'. This was Archie's chance to say 'If you're a
hairdresser, why do you go around with your hair looking like that?' but
instead he opts for 'Who's the Prime Minister?' No, says Audrey. Too easy.
Short Diversion (scroll, scroll ye literalists) . My wife works with
dementia sufferers and there is a standard set of questions to test people's
mental state. One of the questions used to be 'Who is the Prime Minister?'
Folk gave all manner of answers (Lloyd George, our Milkman, the Queen) until
The Iron Lady took power. In a short time everyone knew the answer was
'Margaret Thatcher', however confused they were about everything else. So
the question was almost worthless. Worse was to come. After John Major
replaced Maggie, people *still* said she was the PM - including people who
were clearly otherwise entirely compos mentis. Major never registered with
the majority of elderly people. So they had to drop the question.
Anyway. Archie asks her 'Who is the Prime Minister's wife?' 'How many eggs
in a dozen?' and 'Who was your last customer?'
Audrey says she will count backwards from 100 and *then* answer them - just
to make it more difficult. Of course, she is still doing this when Gail
rings up to see how her Mam is. So all Gail hears in the background is what
sounds like a batty old woman going ' seventy-nine, seventy-eight ... who is
it? Seventy-seven, seventy-six .. Tell her I'm not .. Seventy-five . going
back . seventy-four, seventy-three . while Richard is there'
So that's Gail neatly convinced her Mum is gaga. But Archie is impressed
that Audrey gets all the answers right. We then get a beautifully written
episode where we go back and forth between Archie's house, with Audrey
trying to make Archie see the truth, and Gail's where we see Richard trying
to persuade Gail to believe the lies about her Mother.
Audrey produces a neat bit of logic that persuades Archie she *couldn't*
have taken her dress to the cleaners so it must have been Richard who then
planted the ticket in her bag. Ideally she should have one eye closed, be
wearing a dirty raincoat and smoking a cigar. 'Just one more thing, Sir ..'
Archie is finally convinced. He even remembers that Richard talked about the
missing fire alarm battery *before* he'd talked to the Fire Officer. And how
keen he was to get 'Patricia' cremated. So now they realise that he killed
his ex-wife.
Meanwhile, Richard is reminiscing about his Mother's dementia. He recalls
that when he was a kid, his Mum was clever with figures 'She could have been
a Bank Manager'. She used to love Countdown. But then she started swearing
at Carole Vorderman and blaming Carole for everything that went wrong in the
world. (I have to say, personally I don't think this is evidence of
dementia. Lots of people swear at Carole Vorderman on Countdown and lots of
people blame her for everything that goes wrong. I know I do)
Anyway, in the end he was tempted to push her downstairs and put her out of
her misery. And Gail is so mesmerised by him, she actually feels sympathy
for him. Does Richard need any more encouragement to do Audrey in?
One thing for Brian Capron. He must be inundated with offers for Panto this
year. He should accept about half a dozen and do relays - ten minutes as
Abanazer in Aladdin in Manchester, off to Stockport for a quick 5 minutes as
the Pirate Chief in Dick Whittington, helicopter to Matlock for an
appearance as the Sheriff of Nottingham in 'Babes in the Wood'. He could
make a fortune. (scroll, scroll)
Monday's episode in the UK was on at 8.30 instead of the usual 7.30. Which
led to the ironic situation of Mrs Dean (who was working the late shift)
being faced with a bunch of old folk who thought they were losing their
minds because Emmerdale didn't stop at 7.30 to allow the Street to begin.
One lady waved the TV Guide and said 'It's supposed to be on now'. Which,
according to the Guide, it was. Though the guide was the edition from three
weeks ago. How much fun is that? A programme about someone being driven out
of their mind driving people out of their mind because the TV company change
the transmission time?
Meanwhile the Nelsons are discussing their neighbours, based on stories the
youngest Nelson has picked up from his new chum David Platt. They become
aware that they're living next door to a woman who nearly burned herself to
death, a teenager who helped to steal a car and nearly died when it crashed.
Mercifully, they've yet to find that the Middle Generation of the family had
a husband who was murdered. As did the neighbour across the way who is
herself a jailbird.
Ken and Deirdre return from their holiday. Blanche doesn't think Deirdre
looks very brown. A line obviously written by a scriptwriter who hasn't seen
Ann Kirkbride under neon lighting recently.
Tommy Nelson gives Kevin some advice about a broken-down van and Kevin
(coincidence!) is looking for a mechanic. He gets Tommy to put his name down
at the Job Centre (though Tommy is reluctant because he has ''A Secret'') so
Kev can interview him for the vacancy.
Sally enters the cafŽ with a piece a grit in her eye. A handsome stranger
steps forward 'I am a Doctor, let me help'
As many on ratucs have pointed out, this is clearly the buffet scene from
'Brief Encounter'. There's a clue .
Turns out later the handsome stranger isn't a Doctor. He just said he was
because he didn't think Sally would let him look in her eye otherwise.
Little does he know how simple it is going to be to persuade Sal to let him
test the springiness of her knicker elastic.
Vik has started transferring money from Radiocars to his personal account so
he can carry on betting in cash with Peter. He is embezzling thousands.
Audrey turns up at Gail's to persuade her that she is in danger from
Richard. Gail doesn't believe her and throws her out. Gail wonders aloud
'How can someone who looks so normal be so unhinged'. 'Yes', says Richard,
'I know'
Mwahahahahaha!
Archie agrees to accompany Audrey to the Police Station. 'I'm in this with
you' he vouchsafes. No longer Columbo, we are now in the Christmas edition
of 'Hetty Wainthrop Investigates'
UPDATE LITE
The new family (the Nelsons) arrive. They clearly have some kind of secret.
Richard is broadcasting that Audrey is a danger to herself.
Peter's two lovers meet up in the Rovers, but Shelley is unaware
Doreen's husband is going for a divorce, citing Mike Baldwin as
co-respondent . Mike wants nothing to do with Doreen until the divorce is
sorted.
Audrey overhears Gail & Richard discussing how to get Power of Attorney
She runs to take refuge at Archies where she eventually persuades Archie she
is sane and Richard is trying to kill her, as he killed his ex-wife, but
Gail is even more convinced her Mum has lost it.
Ken and Deirdre return from their holiday.
Kevin is looking for a mechanic and gets Tommy Nelson to apply.
Sally meets a handsome stranger.
Vik starts embezzling to pay for his gambling
Archie agrees to accompany Audrey to the Police Station
Follow the Coronation Street Blog on Twitter and Facebook
No comments:
Post a Comment