Coronation Street Weekly Update - Nov 17 1998

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This week's update written by CP Turner as Glenda was away. Update likely to offend those of a sensitive disposition.

I have to say that it's lovely to be back with you again, albeit just for two weeks, although it is a little weird, guesting for someone else when I was so used to others guesting for me. Having said that, I don't regret giving up the Wednesday update slot one little bit. Like those cabinet ministers who resign in order to spend more time with their families, I resigned in order to spend more time with complete strangers - and I'm having a ball. (No moralising, please: after all, our Father's house has many mansions - and one of them is a sleazy bar with a backroom).

Talking of ministers resigning, wasn't that Ron Davies business an absolute hoot? I mean, I've been on Clapham Common loads of times, but I've never once been invited for a meal. (Oh, I've been asked to eat things, figuratively speaking, but nothing that you'd see Delia Smith experimenting with). As it happens, the Clapham Common fiasco unearthed several more skeletons in Labour's cupboard: Peter 'Mandy' Mandelson was outed on 'Newsnight' and Nick Brown, whom I've met on several occasions, was dragged kicking and screaming from the closet several days later. Of course, it was of little surprise to anyone that Peter Mandelson is a whoopsie, although rumours of his plan to scrap that awful Dome and build a 'Millenium Cottage' instead are probably unfounded. But Nick Brown's friendship with Dorothy came as a complete surprise.

Anyway, what have you all been doing since I saw you last? I've been trying to get to grips with the ceaseless hustle and bustle of a brand new term. As Tony Horrocks would say - and indeed *has* said - I'm just busy busy busy! (Only I say it with more panache, without a mobile phone, and minus that awful bleached hair look that was so beloved of Eighties footballers). It hasn't been a bad term so far, all things considered, and the students are all sweeties, as usual. And no nine o'clock classes! (This is offset, however, by the fact that I have a couple of two-hour lectures on my timetable that I could well do without. Well you try speaking for two hours on the vicissitudes of life in pre-Islamic Arabia without wanting to throw up! Naturally I give them a fifteen minute 'fag break' in the middle, which is when the three queens in Year Four huddle in a corner to bitch about the decor. But what do they expect on a student grant - Laura Ashley?)

Apart from the usual grind of work, I have been trying to recapture my once vibrant social life, but frankly it's an uphill struggle. The spirit is willing but the flesh is oh, so weak. I mean, when you've been standing at the front of a lecture theatre all day, the only thing you want to do when you go home at night is collapse in front of the television with a bag of sherbet lemons, a couple of bottles of Blue Nun, and a rent-boy from Hartlepool whose face you recognise from 'CrimeStoppers'. Clubs, parties, dinner with friends - they're all very tempting, but awfully hard work. Getting ready just about kills me; these days, even a half-hearted attempt at making myself presentable is a task akin to re-staging the Siege of Stalingrad, and possibly messier. It's simply not worth it.

Anyway, what has been happening on the Street this week? I'll give the day-by-day lowdown, starting with:

 

Wednesday
The 'Liz biz'
We open chez Deirdre and Liz, who are getting to look more and more like Hinge and Brackett with each passing episode. Liz phones Steve and leaves a message on his answering machine to tell him that she's leaving Weatherfield with Michael - a man who looks young enough to be her son and who will no doubt ditch her for a younger model before she can say "Two bottles of Estee Lauder Anti-Wrinkle Cream, please". (I presume she actually pays for it, unlike Glenda Young, who simply stuffs it in the hood of her duffel coat). Drear asks Liz whether she's having second thoughts about upping sticks to Milton Keynes. Liz says that she wasn't having second thoughts until Deirdre 'Killjoy' Rachid opened her big gob, but that she's going anyway. Later, Liz goes to tell Jim 'Legs' McDonald that she's about to leave with Michael. 'Legs' says that he's no longer intent on pursuing the complaint against Michael, but once again the discussion degenerates into a row, and La Mouton storms out. 'Legs' then tells Steve that however bitter he may seem, he does wish Elizabeth all the best in her new life. (Anyone going off to Milton Keynes doesn't need to be wished 'all the best'; they need Divine intervention, and fast!). Eventually, Liz makes her peace with Jim and he tells her - cue Kleenex - that he will always love her and be there for her if she should need him.

Art imitating Life
Hayley corners Janice in the Rovers and enthuses to her about her forthcoming Spanish class, but Janice just gives her one of those "You're confusing me with someone who gives a toss" looks. Which, she being Janice, one can forgive immediately. (Oh yes! Janice is a goddess. Even if she went round strangling orphans, I'd be behind her. Metaphorically speaking, of course). Later, however, Roy tells Hayley that the Spanish classes have been cancelled and instead he has signed them up for 'Life Classes'. This, of course, basically boils down to drawing naked women. Or Tilly - take your pick. When Roy and Hayley go to the class later that evening, they are shocked to see that the model they are about to draw is, indeed, Whoopsie Boy himself, as naked as steroids intended. Roy and Hayley are deeply embarrassed, but get down to work with considerable relish and produce two passable portraits. Only Roy's appears to be anatomically correct, i.e. sans salami. Whoopsie Boy is as embarrassed as they are and he begs them not to tell Gail that he is working as a nude model. "I wouldn't know how to start," says Roy, averting his gaze.

Nirab Schmirab
At the House of Elliot, Ashley is suffering withdrawal symptoms. Since Zoe entangled herself with the Etheric Foundation and its band of Prozac-assisted nutters, he's been getting no rumpeh-pumpeh and he's feeling more than a little aggrieved. Zoe tells Ashley that there are more important things in life than sex. (I quite agree, Zoe. Personally I'd rather have a nice cup of tea than grapple under the duvet with Christian Slater, but then I'm probably as mad as you are). Later, at the house of Troy Tempest's sister, Ruth, Zoe complains that her housemates are failing to support her in her new-found beliefs. Ruth, whose eyebrows came from the same pantomime make-up box as Dennis Healey's, tells her that she herself has been through the same problems, and that if Zoe is feeling the strain, she can move into the Foundation any time she wishes.

Smackheads United
Tony tells Natalie that he needs dosh - to the tune of £4500 - to settle some old debts. Natalie is clearly startled by the amount, but tells him that she'll go to the bank and see what she can do. (I often have to get down on my knees in front of my bank manager too, even though I hate mixing business with pleasure). However, Natalie is only able to come up with £720, and won't be able to lay her hands on more until her house sale goes through. Tony is apoplectic but takes the money anyway, and tells his mother not to tell Des. Meanwhile, his drug-dealing 'friends' are waiting for him outside in their car; one looks very much like a handsomer version of Jimmy Sommerville. (That could mean anything, I guess, given that anything is handsomer than Jimmy Sommerville). When Tony leaves the house, the thugs approach him and take the £720, before giving him a few days to come up with the rest. Later, Tony pleads with his money to get the rest of the £4500. She says that she'll contact the estate agents first thing in the morning to see what they can do. When Des comes home, Tony taunts him with the fact that his mother has helped him out, and will continue to help him. Des is incensed and immediately rushes over to the Rovers to tell Natalie the whole, unpalatable truth: "You always wanted your son to go into medicine, Natalie, and now he has!"

Friday

Smackheads United
Tony's involvement with a certain brand of white powder has caused Natalie untold heartache, but she still feels she has to stand by him. Des, however, wants him out. Tony pleads with his mother to get the rest of the £4500, and she promises to chase the estate agent and see what can be done. However, it transpires that the sale of the house will take at least another fortnight, hence no dosh for Tony. She then hits on the idea of taking out a bank loan. When Des finds out, he hits the roof. The loan doesn't materialise, however, because the bank won't cough up until the house sale goes through. Des loses his cool and threatens to tell the police, but Natalie says that if he does so, she won't be there when he gets back. (How strong is a mother's love, eh? I wish Natalie was my mum, I can tell you. I'm sure Natalie wouldn't have 'outed' me to the rest of my family at a Christmas party!).

The Hole in the Wall

Rita wakes up in the morning to find Alec mooching about in her kitchen. She suggests that they draw up some ground rules concerning when and how often he should come through their shared door, so to speak. Alec tells her that he is going away to see Tricky Vicky, so Rita will have the place to herself for a few days anyway. Well as it turns out, Rita won't be alone because a bit later on she invites Betty Williams to stay with her. Betty, it seems, has "had the painters in" and can't stand the smell. ("Having the painters in" is, in some quarters, a euphemism for women's 'monthlies', but I think in Betty's case, we can assume a literal meaning). The paint fumes are giving her headaches and she is unable to sleep. Rita suggests that she come and sleep in Alec's bed, given that he is away at Vicky's. Betty turns her nose up at the unsavoury thought of climbing into sheets that have enveloped the corpulent frame of Alec Gilroy, and thus declines. Rita then suggests that Betty take her bed, and that she (i.e. Rita) will sleep in Alec's. Betty finally agrees.
Nirab Schmirab

Zoe moans to Ruth and Ben about her housemates and how they simply don't - or won't - understand her. Ruth reiterates that there will always be a place for her at Marineville - sorry, the Foundation - should she need one. Ruth also suggests that they peddle a few crystals in Coronation Street itself, and so off they go. First stop is the corner shop, where Ruth tries out her psychobabble on Maud. Maud, however, isn't having it. (She hasn't had it for so long that she's probably healed up, but that's by the by). Maud later tells Ashley that she thinks Zoe is being led astray. That evening, at the House of Elliot, Leanne brings Zoe a peace offering to make up for all the ridicule she's heaped on the Foundation and the cult of Nirab. But the peace offering comes in the form of a bottle of vodka, and we all know that Nirabians aren't allowed to drink. Zoe, however, is a girl after my own heart: one glance at a bottle of vodka and she gives in immediately. She tells Leanne and the others that she'll join in their piss-up only if they promise not to tell Ruth and Ben.
Farewell, La Mouton...

The day of Liz's departure has dawned and she begins the sad task of saying goodbye to everyone. She takes her leave of Gail, Rita, Deirdre..and Jim, who reassures her once more that he'll always love her and be there for her. (The scene was a tearful one, and for once I was moved to make legitimate use of my Kleenex stash). Just as Liz is about to leave the Street forever, Jim gets Steve to help him to his feet so that he can goodbye to Liz standing up, as she speeds down the cobbles with Michael en route for Milton Keynes. This they just about manage. "He's standing, he's standing!" gasps La Mouton tearfully as they pass. "Goodbye, Elizabeth," says the choked-up Irish brickie as the car whizzes past. "Goodbye and good luck!"
 

Sunday

Nirab Schmirab
Zoe and Leanne have woken up with hangovers that you could strip paint with. Rita - who, given the fact that neat vodka has coursed through her veins for years, never suffers hangovers - is unsympathetic as far as Leanne as concerned. Zoe, however, has a much worse reaction in store: as soon as Ruth finds out that Zoe has been drinking, she goes ballistic and tells her to leave. Ben catches up with Zoe in the Foundation garden and tries the softly-softly approach. He prattles on about the negativity of alcohol, and how if Zoe truly wishes to see Shannon in the afterlife, she'll have to eschew the pleasure of the flesh. Zoe then takes to scrubbing floors by way of a penance (no jokes about Zoe's having always been an expert little scrubber, please!). Ruth then apologises to her for her outburts, admitting that anger is just as negative as alcohol. Ben turns the whole thing back on Zoe's housemates, and tells her that she has to be strong to stand up to those who are clearly intent on leading her astray. Later, when Ben takes Zoe home, he reminds her in front of a disapproving Leanne and Ashley to "Remember what you have been told!"

It's That Hole Again
Betty has accepted Rita's offer of a bed for the night and arrives at the flat, armed with steel wool knickers and brushed cotton nightie, to sleep in Rita's bed and thus escape the paint fumes in her own house. She is fast asleep, dreaming no doubt of that lovely Whit weekend she spent in Morecambe with her Cyril back in 1947, when suddenly she senses something creeping into her bed. Yes, it's Alec, back early from his travels and intent on a little rumpeh with Rita. He slides in quite gently (into the bed, you dirty lot!), only to find that there is a much tougher old bird under the duvet. Betty suddenly wakes up, realises what is happening, and threatens to shout the house down. Alec realises his mistake, tries to explain to Betty, but before you can say "Zimmer", she's off.

Art Imitating Life
Roy is still being teased - this time by Martin - about the Life Classes. Roy says that he and Hayley won't be going again - a unilateral decision that annoys Hayley, who has taken quite a shine to drawing anatomically incorrect young men. (Empathy there, I wonder??) Roy tells her that he took the decision simply to stop Gail finding out that Nick is displaying his todger to all and sundry under the pretext of some art class. They finally settle their differences and agree to do elementary Spanish instead.

Smackheads United
Des is still adamant that the police should be told about Tony's drug dealing, but Natalie disagrees. She intends to withdraw £2000 from a savings account, even if it means losing interest. This seems to appease Tony, who claims that the thugs will accept it as an instalment. Natalie withdraws the money and gives it Tony, and as the episode draws to a close, we see him in a darkened car park, about to hand over the money and thus pay off half his debt. But wait...what is this bag of white powder he is being handed in return? Could it be a complementary supply of talcum powder, given by the thugs for Tony to dab on his bruises? Or is the bastard up to his old tricks again? Yes, folks, instead of paying off his debts, Tony is buying another stash of Mrs White to sell on for a profit. Who'd have kids, eh?

Monday
It's That Hole Again

An embarrassed Alec tells Rita, who appears to be wearing a hastily adapted Afghan kelim, that he doesn't know how he'll be able to face Betty after the farce in Rita's bed. When he sees Betty later in the Rovers, he asks her sheepishly to keep quite about the whole business. She says that of course she'll keep quiet; after all, she has her reputation - as Geriatric Spice, no doubt - to think of.

Habla Espagnol?

Roy is preparing for his forthcoming Spanish class with a Linguaphone tape. (The word 'Linguaphone' always seems slightly rude to me, but then maybe I'm thinking of that old joke. You know, "Please, boss, can I use your Dictaphone?" "No, use your finger like everyone else!") Emily is in the cafe, and surprises Roy by coming out with a few phrases in perfectly executed Spanish. (And I'm sure you'll all agree, the only good Spanish are the perfectly executed ones). Les, who is also in the cafe, mocks Roy by addressing him as 'Manuel', but is given short shrift by Roy, who merely tells him to get his feet off the table. Hayley, for her part - so to speak - is cock a'hoop at the thought of learning Spanish, and the first class, when it happens, goes extremely well. Not so for Roy, however, who concludes that he isn't really that good at foreign tongues. (Unlike Ruth Carey, who can speak twelve languages but can't say 'No' in any of them).
Nirab Schmirab

New converts to any cause are always the loopiest, and Zoe is no exception. Here she is at the House of Elliot, pouring bottles of booze down the kitchen sink. An outraged Leanne catches her just in time and salvages a bottle, blaming Zoe's crazy behaviour on the motley crew of nutters known as the Etheric Foundation. Later, in the corner shop, Maud tells Zoe that she looks 'business like' - Zoe has obviously had her denim jacket dry-cleaned at Rentokil - while Ashley has a little dig at Zoe's friend when he says that "they think eating meat is evil." This doesn't endear him to Zoe, who says that although she had intended to cook his dinner that evening, he will now have to go without. He doesn't go dinner-less, however, because it transpires that Ruth and Ben have invited both Zoe *and* him to dinner at the Foundation. Ashley, who looks very fetching in his pyschedelic shirt, sits through the whole dinner with a completely bemused look on his 'ickle face. The evening is, naturally, meatless. (I know how he feels - I've been on dates like that). Ruth and Ben prattle on incessantly about how science has proven beyond all doubt that human beings need only nuts and fruit to survive. (Which is total bollocks, of course, because a cursory study of the make-up of human teeth shows clearly that we are programmed to sink our fangs into the odd joint or two). Ashley is having none of it, but he is more puzzled by the empty place at the head of the table and wonders aloud whom it's set for. "That's Nirab's place," says Ben. "Yes," says Ruth, " we always set a place for Nirab." They point to a portrait on the wall: lo and behold, it is a picture of Nirab - aka Brian Park - himself. (An attempt at in-joke that is known to no fewer than nineteen million viewers, it would seem). Back at the House of Elliot, Ashley regales Nick and Leanne with "tales from the inner sanctum" (Nirab hasn't had quite as many people in his inner sanctum as I have, but he does tend to have them all in at the same time, which is something I can't claim), but Zoe is not amused. "You'll be laughing on the other side of your faces on the Final Day," she warns them.

Smackheads and Smacked Heads
Tony, eager to make a quick get away, announces his imminent departure from Weatherfield, but a problem with the car stalls him for a while. So desparate is he to flee that he gives Kevin 150 smackeroonies to fix the car pronto. Natalie, who has no idea what Tony is really up to, tells her son that he must meet her later in the Rovers for a farewell drink. But there will be no farewell drink for Tony, because just as he is about to leave Des's house, the thugs storm in and pounce on him. Fortunately for Tony, Des arrives home just at the right time to save him from a comprehensive pasting, although he sustains enough blows to keep him in designer bruises for a week or two. Des himself doesn't fare so well, however; in the fracas, he is pushed back, then punched. As he falls, his head smacks the edge of a chair and he falls, concussed. At this point, Natalie runs screaming into the house, frightening off the thugs in the process. Tearfully she kneels by the prostrate Des Barnes, cradling his head in her hands - and no doubt adding to his injuries in the process.
Is this farewell to Des? Is his end in sight? Tune in again for the next thrilling episode....
And that's yer lot for this week; see you again soon!
Hugs, CP

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