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This week's update written by John Dean as Glenda was away.
So - Jack's 65th looms. He's made a huge fry up to treat himself
but Tyrone hints Vera has already thought of a culinary treat
so Jack gives the Coronary Special to Monica, only to find Vera
has made a special purchase of a bag of rabbit food and a carton
of skimmed milk. That, and a card from R Turry 'Am chained to
wall in Squire's Dungeon - Wish you were here' serve as overture
to Jack's day of Fun. The Grrrlz have more cards for him, Fizz
is willing to jump out of a cake 'if Vera can make one big enough'
and the presence of a lady in Crossing Guard Uniform 'I'm not
a strippergram owd lad so don't get yer 'opes up' brings home
to Jack the message that he's retired. And not in a nice way.
Jack brings his old pals Stan and Ernie (Eric and Ernie? Stan
and Ollie? Bud and Lou? Patsy and Eddie?) into the Rovers so they
can ogle their favourite barmaid - Betty Luv - and studiously
ignore Jan & Den , the star cross'd lovers, secretly plotting
their love life while standing at the Public Bar in Weatherfield's
busiest Public House at the height of it's busiest Public Opening
Hours. Still, they seem to get away with it.
Eve tackles Jimmy about the fire at Underworld. Jimmy talks
back & Eve cautions him 'Don't be smart'. Well, Duh, is *that*
wasted advice? After pushing an unlit firework through his letterbox
opening (Come on, come on), Jimmy ''cleverly'' makes a deal with
Mike to get him off the hook about Linda by producing ''evidence''
that Linda has been in touch with him. Obviously, that's likely
to go well.
Vik turns up in a brand new JamesBondorghini sports car & gives
Karen a ride (you're on your own here). Obviously, living in a
part of Greater Manchester where you take two busses just to get
to the car park, this is exactly the sporty vehicle a young stud
about town would buy with no warning, no leering over catalogues
and no exhaustive enquiries from a Finance Company. Clearly not
been introduced just so it can be part of some far-fetched story
line &
then forgotten about. Charlie discovers that Sarah & Candice have
been copying and assumes the bright one (Sarah) has been copying
off the thick one (Candice) so gives Sarah detention.
A bunch of flowers turn up for Eve. Oh My! They're from her
long-lost daughter! Linda Lives! She Lives! Well, obviously Eve
is not convinced for a second. Plus she's started wearing frocks
that show her bra, and not in a nice way. She wears those things
with heavy-duty straps & industrial fastenings - the sort of stuff
you used to get from the Army & Navy round the back of Tib Street.
Maria has decided to give her share of the 1,000 quid back
to Jack & Vera &
urges Tyrone to do the same. Shelley persuades Peter to give Jack
a job at the Bookies. But then Duggie offers him a job as potman
at the Rovers. Jack is being headhunted! And in a nice way! On
Health & Safety Grounds, Jack chooses the Rovers. Meanwhile, Duggie
is organising a Fun Quiz Night. I think we can expect that to
go well.
Dennis runs across the busiest Public House in Weatherfield
to accost Jannis at the Public Bar at the busiest Public Opening
Hour to fix up a quickie for later. Still, he seems to get away
with it. Dennis and Janice intertwine in the Battersby's front
room, with a video of Carousel in the background (not playing,
I just noticed it on the shelf). Jennis wants to know - if she's
avin one of them affurrs, why isn't she enjoyin it?
Luke makes Sarah tell Charlie the truth about Candice. Charlie
naturally tells Gail. Norris gets into training for the Quiz night
& makes one of his rare errors by telling Rita that Sidney Carton
says 'It is a far, far better thing I do....'
Duggie has problems with the radio mike. (Not problems with
the radio, mike. Problems with the radio mike) that has been purchased
especially to amplify his voice throughout the acoustic vastness
of the pub where previously public announcements were made by
people saying 'Could you all stop what you're doing for a moment,
I've got something to tell you.' Anyway, the Kabinet win the quiz.
Sunitta takes Duggie into the back room to break it off (you're
on your own again) but, horrors!, the mike has been left on. Duggie's
wretched grovelling is being heard all round the Pub. Shelley
goes back to warn him. He throws her out. She decides not to shout
'The Mike's still on' through the door. Apparently. Anyway, she
says nothing, no-one turns off the speaker in the lounge & Duggie's
snivelling is broadcast in stereophonic sound with Shockwave Plugin.
The next day, Duggie & Sunita say their final farewells.
Gail ransacks Sarah's wardrobe & discovers all Candice's special
purchases. (Obviously, like all the teenage girls I've ever known,
Sarah's wardrobe was one of those deserted places where tumbleweed
blew across the floor when you opened the door so there was stacks
of room for Candice's makeover material. Which practically fills
Gail's living room) Gail summons Candice & her Mum. Candice has
a good try at the 'never seen these clothes before in my life'
speech but the truth about her factory job comes out.
Jan n Den cavort half naked in the living room & are interrupted
by les arriving with a bag of chips. Den escapes via the kitchen.
Norris surprises an intruder at Emily's (keep up at the back)
but it turns out to be Spider, back from the exotic East.
Molly proudly tells Kevin 'I've got a date' and he restrains
himself from replying 'What, for a mammogram, like?', realising
that other men may covet the lovely Molly as much as he does.
In fact, she is due to see 'John' the Rep from Medical Supplies.
I expect that will work out well.
Candice offers to 'forgive' Sarah. Sarah wants to know would
this be forgiving her for letting Candice copy her homework, forgiving
her lying to protect Candice or forgiving her for generally covering
up for her mate?
Jimmy arrives at Underworld with a large friend whom Mike just
has time to address, winningly, as 'Oi, Monkey Boy' before being
stuffed into a box and rotated on his own executive swivel chair.
Jimmy still wants his payoff for the 'flowers from Linda' wheeze.
However, Fred has tipped off Eve & the pair of them rescue Mike.
Toyah and Spider renew acquaintance. Spider is as charming,
twinkly, elfin, touchy-feely, tree-huggy as ever. Until Toyah
tells him of her assault by Phil Simmonds. Something of an understatement
to say Spider takes it badly. He's like King Lear in the Storm
scene, he weeps, he rages, he tears his hair, he gnashes his teeth,
he shoots, he scores, he gnashes a spare pair of Aunt Em's teeth,
he threatens to disembowel himself with a crochet hook ... in
brief, he feels her pain. Soul mates.
And over at the Battersbys, Les offers Janice his last prawn
cracker
John Dean
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