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Written by Nigel Worsfold as Glenda was away
I can only sincerely apologise to those of you who are (quite
understandably) fed up with me already!
Things are moving along well with Maureen and Bill. She has
a spring in her step and she's looking younger, happier and generally
bouncier. If she had a tail it would be wagging. Their long-awaited
bedroom scene consists of suggested/latent lust, rather than the
'full Monty'.
Jim and Bill's van expires in a cloud of carbon, and for a
time things look very bad for them getting to the big building
job they've just landed. Then Jim hits upon the master plan to
get them out of trouble. He stops the £1000 cheque that
he's given to Liz. When he tells her what he's done (he's a braver
man than I) she goes ballistic, but, little by little, the old
Irish charm chips away at her resisitance, and she agrees for
him to pay her back in regular instalments, which I thought was
damned decent of her.
Our Tracy returns in a veritable cloud of carpet fluff and
youthful high expectation. She's been making love to a carpet
fitter (one assumes) and she's adequately taken with him after
six month's acquaintence, that she announces to her astonished
mum that they are to wed. Both Deidre and Ken slowly warm to the
idea. Ken provides a modest amount of cash for her to go and buy
a dress, which she does. She blows 12 quid in a charity shop on
the nuptual garment, and spends the rest on a pair of Doc Marten
boots. Ken is horrified to hear of this unsuitable wedding footwear.
"What...not BOVVER BOOTS" he splutters. I hadn't heard
that term for 20 years! It seems Percy's contribution to the happy
occasion is to create a cake, including ingredients which are
symbolically linked to fertility.
Anyway, the young buck preparing to whisk our Tracy into a
make-believe world of gripperods and deep pile shag is called
Robbie, and his parents come to meet Ken and Deidre. They are
Shirley and Maurice, and they are quite happy to verbalise their
disapproval of the forthcoming match at every opportunity. Clearly
Maurice bought the wrong size tie at Marks and Spencers because
it only comes half way down his chest. Always a sign of a shifty
so-and-so in my book! There is some suggestion that their beloved
little Robert might be on the rebound from his long standing love,
called Jan.
On the bright side, there is ample scope for more carpet jokes
to follow, with the Wiltons living but a broadloom's length away.
Keep your fingers crossed.
Alec and Fiona have a bit of a post mortem about her recent
disastrous gig, and she decides not to chuck in the fame and fortune
trail just yet. She acquires a new backing tape, and a pep talk
from Rita, and this proves to be just the fillip she needs. Suddenly,
the next time she sings, the audience stare fixedly at her, as
though she is Barbra Streisand and Whitney Houston rolled into
one, (which, sadly she is NOT). At the end of her Karaoke warblings
they are quite ecstatic. Perhaps it sounded better if you were
there....? One besotted male fan sidles up to her after her set
and Fiona relishes the attention. But she accidentally snubs him
and he slopes off with his tail between his legs.
Joyce seems short of cash, and bores Vera and, later, Alec
with a story of her sick dog, and how it needs fortunes spent
in it at the Vet's. They both fall for the tale (give her the
benefit of the doubt, Nigel; it could be true) and stump up some
cash. She tells Alec quite a different set of doggie symptoms
to those she tells Vera, but it all amounts to the same, the pooch
is on the blink! The extent of my veterinary knowledge is based
entirely on the episode of All Creatures Great and Small when
Trixi-Woo had a condition called FLOP-BOT, which turned out to
be compacted anal glands, so I have grave doubts as to the truth
of Joyce's shaggy dog story.
Sean invites Samantha to go to the dogs with him. It's been
a canine sort of week when you think of it! At first she agrees
but then she tells him to forget it, because Liz has told her
he's a beast in the old sexual harassment department. Clearly
Sam isn't looking for that sort of caper, so the night at the
dogs is off!
But, of course, the Big Deal this week has been the build up
to The Greatest Street Heartbreak of All Time. I refer to Raquel's
imminent departure for foreign parts. Her mate called Lorriane
arrives to stay with her and Curly for a few days. They go through
all that soul- searching stuff about the possible conflict vis-a-vis
career/kiddies and Curly registers his full support for Raquel.
Both girls go for the interview, and Lorraine falls at the first
fence, but would-you-believe- it, Raquel is offered the job. She
takes her wedding ring off to throw the interviewers off the scent
that she might be encumbered by ties or commitments in this country.
She tells them a bare- faced lie on that score. She appears to
be ruthless and selfish, but perhaps that's what they taught her
in Maidenhead! We'll never know.
At the second interview, she impresses the interviewers beyond
measure by quoting (almost in context) the title of an Edith Piaf
classic song. Needles to say, they are bowled over at her bilingual
abilities. She confirms smugly that she does indeed speak conversational
French, but not good enough to converse with a real French person,
of course. A great line.
We end this weekly snippet with her telling Curly that she
has been offered the job in Kuala Lumpur. Poor old Curly doesn't
realise that's not the end of the line. The end of the line is
still a few days off, Curly, old son!
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