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Glenda was away, this week's update written by Philippa and
Fiona.
THE WEDDING
This week's action revolved almost entirely around the fated
nuptials of Fiona and Alan. Naughty, naughty Granada! Showing
us all those happy pictures of the couple posing outside the church
AS IF EVERYTHING WAS GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT!! There was no mascara
cascading down Fiona's cheeks in those publicity shots, was there?
But first things first. Wednesday night started off with the
wishy washy hen/stag fests. Fiona's was a "surprise"
event in the Rovers, where as Mike Plowman noted, there was hardly
anyone under the age of fifty. Fiona, supposedly drunk, asks a
thrilled La Mouton if she'd like to go to the wedding. Would she
ever? Free food, free drink, and a chance to wear something which
defies description (bear with us - we'll attempt it later on when
we're nearer the end of the bottle). As hen nights go, we rate
this as two out of ten for effort. After a short discussion, it
would appear that both of ours were somewhat more eventful. However
a discreet veil will be drawn here as Usenet is a public forum.
Over at the thinly disguised Dolby Hotel, Fiona's brother Lee
is joining Alan and his dodgy racist mates for a very boring looking
stag night. Lee makes his excuses and leaves fairly early, no
doubt threatened at the prospect of a large green neon phallic
symbol bearing down on him, but not before Alan's best man has
told him what a bright young detective "Mac" will make
as a brother-in-law. (We have to admit that we didn't notice the
green objet d'art on the wall when we were at the Dolby as we
were too pre-occupied with the kickboxing cricketing objets d'art
in the lounge.)
Meanwhile chez Macdonald, Jim is having a go at Steve yet again,
as he is finding all the wedding talk difficult to cope with.
Steve keeps going on about how he still loves Fiona which eventually
pushes Jim too far and he explodes that Steve is selfish and doesn't
care about anyone except himself. It gradually dawns on Steve
that his father has slept with Fiona and in rage, anger and disbelief
he throws a bottle at the wall smashing a mirror and ensuring
another seven years of bad luck for the Macdonald family. (Obviously
Bev Callard has just signed another seven year deal).
Pandora's Box being well and truly open, Steve bolts in to
see Fiona on her wedding morning, having spent all night outside.
He establishes that what his father told him was true, and also
that Alan knows nothing about it. Ooooh dear, it's not really
the best start to the day.
Meanwhile the church is filling up and we are treated to a
Coronation Street wedding wardrobe extravaganza. Forget London
Fashion Week, this stuff was seriously unwearable. Rita is the
only one who looks the same as usual, but that's because she always
looks as if she's going to a wedding. Audreh is sporting a bird's
nest on her head, Vera's outfit is a tribute to Andy Warhol's
Campbell's soup tins, topped with a fuchsia and yellow scarf and
clashing brolly. Maxine (as bridesmaid) is wearing a ruched pink
affair with pink and blue Kleenex headdress. However, nothing
could prepare the gentle viewer for the vision of La Mouton, "dressed
up".
Imagine, if you will, Fred Elliot's butcher's shop. You know
how a rolled shoulder of mutton might look - trussed up with string
so that the flesh bulges. Now imagine the shoulder of mutton increased
in size and encased in short frayed blue shrink-wrap, through
which the string is clearly visible. Connect to a Van der Graf
generator, add a wilted pink rose and smother in make-up. Get
the picture?
Steve arrives at the church and hurries in just as Fiona arrives.
She looks worried as the commercial break kicks in. Oh no, it's
all going to go horribly wrong....
This week's episode is apparently sponsored by Bells Whisky,
if the amount consumed by Jim is anything to go by. He is repeatedly
shown swigging back large quantities of something that looks like
Irn Bru in cutaways from the wedding. Things are looking rather
ominous.
Alan and Fiona are half way through their vows, and everything
is going swimmingly (despite the fact that they've both just found
out that their intended has a Stupid Middle Name), and Alan is
touchingly referring to his Geordie background. "Why aye!"
he says to the vicar. "I know no reason why aye should not
marry this woman!"
Not yet you don't, mate.
But what is this? Suddenly an apparition in khaki canvas lurches
down the aisle, clearly having had one Irn Bru too many. "Don't
do it Fi!! I'm here for you! You don't love him and you can't
marry him!" Fiona gazes at him in horror, like a rabbit caught
before an advancing juggernaut. Jim is hustled away but not before
he has shouted, "Tell Alan the truth! The whole truth!"
leaving the congregation aghast.
The quick-thinking vicar starts the next hymn and sends Fiona
and Alan off to the vestry to compose themselves. However, Alan
becomes rather less composed when Fiona admits after a couple
of minutes awkwardness that she has - yes - "done it"
with Old Macdonald, but not with the rest of the farm animals,
yet. She optimistically suggests that they should go ahead and
get married anyway as it is "silly" to let it come between
them. Alan doesn't see it this way and storms out, pausing to
inform the guests that the wedding is off and if they want to
know why, to ask his "ex-bride" - he refrains from saying
"the Macdonald family whore" which is what he called
her in the vestry. Outside he has to be restrained from flattening
Jim who derives morose satisfaction from the knowledge that Alan
is now obviously aware of what happened.
The guests slope off to the Rovers at Alec's invitation, mostly
desperate to know the reason why the wedding has been called off.
It's a bit of a tie between Audreh and Liz as to who is the most
anxious to know. Both wrongly conclude that the reason is Steve.
Back at the flat, Fiona confesses to a bemused but understanding
Maxine. At the hotel, Alan's obnoxious father can barely contain
his glee that the wedding's off. He guesses that Fiona has slept
with someone else and makes a series of snide racist comments
somehow implying that white Geordie males have better "manners"
than the rest of the population. Has anyone told Gazza? To his
credit Alan argues with his father and storms out. He is hoping
to salvage something from the relationship and goes round to the
flat. Fiona is subdued, and amazed to hear Alan's cockeyed plan
to put things right - the potted version of which is to have a
blood test, if the baby's Jim's abort it and pretend it's a miscarriage.
Fiona is appalled and declines his offer of "forgiveness"
- quite right too - let's not forget that Alan had actually walked
off and left her when it all happened. Alan loses his temper and
goes to hit her which kind of sets the seal on things. Bye bye
Alan.
He tries once more to patch things up the following day while
her parents and brother are there. By this time they know all
about Jim as well. But Alan is too late; Fiona has finally realised
what a bully he is and decides to go it alone. After packing his
stuff, he tells her she disgusts him and leaves.
Meanwhile La Mouton has been acting more and more like a deranged
chihuahua as she tries desperately to find out what is really
going on. She nags everyone constantly until eventually Alan puts
her out of her misery. Disbelievingly, she runs to Jim and demands
to know if it is true. He tells her that not only is it true,
but that he is IN LURVE. "But you led me on! I thought we
wurr going to get back togethurr!" she bleats. "Nurrrrrrrrr!"
That's about it for this week, except for peripheral goings-on:
Fred looks set to buy the shop from Maud at a bargain price, Drearie
and Mr Lie and Sigh are supposedly going ahead with the house
purchase, Kevin and Nastily continue to simper at each other although
their fundamental differences are becoming even more obvious,
"Have you got any ambitions Kev?" "`Ow do you mean?".
AWARDS:
The Cardigan Crown: no, not to Ken this week, nor even Alec,
but to Rita for the outrageous appliqued garment she was wearing
in the street while commiserating with Maud on Monday.
Irony of the Week: Drearie gazes into Jon's eyes after the
wedding fiasco and lovingly declares, "It certainly makes
you grateful when you are sure of your partner!" So sad.
Best Middle Name: Runner-up - Alan Bernard Michael McKenna.
Best Middle Name: Winner - Fiona Joy Middleton - but only because
it's Philippa's middle name and she hates it :)
So it's goodnight from me and goodnight from huuurrrrr.
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