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Corrie weekly updates from 1995, 17 years in 17 e-books
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The last time I wrote a Coronation Street review it was July 1997. In those days my updates were strewn with the names of people like Maxine, Percy Sugden and Natalie. A new `common family', the Battersbys had just moved into the Street. It was Janice Battersby who sapped my will to write any more updates. What a horrible little imp she was. Her poisonous red face, permanently contorted in frustration and rage, scared me. Fortunately, all it took was for insane social climber Sally Webster to have a rare moment of lucidity and punch Janice in the face. Minutes later, she was boarding a bus, clutching her only possession (the broken shards of a tacky china doll (probably from Argos)), never ever to return.
Let's hope so. Now she's gone, perhaps it's safe again for me to write a review.
Tracy is still conning Charlie that she is pregnant, in a complicated scheme to get Charlie to accept baby Amy to live with them. All I can say is, thank god she ISN'T pregnant because with all that evil DNA around, the baby would be born with a 666 on its forehead and everyone around it would start dying in horrific `accidents' within a few years. Charlie gives Tracy some money for an abortion, but she instead goes to a swanky bit of Manchester and buys a pair of shoes with the pointiest toes you've ever seen (seriously, they look like two pencils). Unfortunately she bumps into her `frenemy', ex-gangster's moll, Ronnie. The pair encircle each other and exchange awkward pleasantries (now that Steve McDonald is suffering from male pattern baldness syndrome, Tracy's managed to let go of a lot of her jealousy). She gets Ronnie to promise she won't tell Charlie she bought shoes. The next day she acts depressed, telling Charlie she's already lost one baby and she can't lose another. She voices everyone's opinion by saying that they're bad for each other and should split up. The lighting in Charlie's flat casts everything in an evil red glow, and for a minute, it looks like they're in HELL. Charlie eventually gives in and lets Amy move back in on probation. Round one to Tracy. But if she's such a good mother, how come she hasn't noticed that her daughter's been played by a totally different child actress with a new hairstyle?
Later on, Tracy manages to convince Deirdre and Ken to look after Amy so she can take Charlie for a night out. Where will they go? The much-used "Clock"? No, just The Rovers, where their evening is somewhat spoilt by Ronnie and Steve. Steve is miserable because Amy is now living in The House of Evil and Ronnie decides to stir things up further by befriending Charlie and Tracy (she really does have an appetite for trouble). They all end up back at Charlie's flat somehow, and it starts looking like a disturbing enactment of Who's Afraid of Tracy Barlow, where everyone has an agenda and only one of them will get out alive. Ronnie flirts shamelessly with Charlie and then rejects him when he says he fancies her, while Tracy and Steve play Mummy and Daddy in Amy's bedroom. This all got a bit confusing and I wasn't able to understand anyone's motivation – but Steve really needs to find a normal girlfriend (although after Tracy, Karen and Ronnie, he could do a lot worse than Kelly's SWF friend.)
Dreary Sarah Platt (who like everyone in her family, is a very difficult person to like), is still brimming over with rage and jealousy because Jason talked to Violet. Last week they had a fight in the Rovers and Sarah poured a drink over Jason. This week, they have a fight in the Rovers and Sarah pours a drink over Jason. Maybe they got the wrong script to read. Why anyone would fight over him is beyond me. He can't talk intelligently about art. He's day-glow orange. Who could love someone like that? Jason decides that the only way to get Sarah back is to propose to her. He breaks into Sarah's house and pops the question. Despite the fact that she's spent ages hating him, she says "OK", like he just asked her if she fancied a bag of chips. Predictably, their mothers are not pleased. Gail responds by whining, sniping and snorting, whereas Eileen reacts with comedy violence, while blurting out the next 6 months of their storyline: "He'll propose to Violet and dump you etc…" Still, nothing can spoil Sarah's triumph when she gets to announce the engagement in the Rovers, right in front of Violet. It looks like Eileen might be right though, as immediately afterwards, Jason tells Violet "You look nice." Violet decides to leave with Jamie and Sean, who casts a withering knowing look at Jason on the way out. Sean strikes it lucky on their night out and comes back 24 hours later, waxing extremely lyrical about some hunk called Chris. Violet and Eileen simply raise their eyebrows and get ready for the inevitable emotional meltdown.
Audreh is still vacillating over whether to sell the salon. But when Keith turns up with a fishing rod and predictions of how much fun they'll have caravanning, she decides to stay on, much to Maria's chagrin. Later, during a Mother's Day dinner, she reveals to Gail that she received another one of those stalker Richard Hillman cards. Audreh suspects Phil and gives him the cold shoulder. Phil finds out what's going on from David, who seems to have had an amazing growth spurt this week and now towers over everyone. There's yet another tense family dinner where Phil confronts Gail about the card. It all goes a bit disastrous for him though as David goads him into losing his temper once again (the Phil-David scenes have a somewhat sado-masochistic subtext for ITV prime viewing, don't you think readers?). Gail is horrified and throws Phil out. However, once Phil realises that without Gail he will have no storyline and be possibly even written out, he starts stalking the house, shouting "Gay-el! Gay-el!" Meanwhile inside, Gail confesses what we've already known for so long – she's stupid, can't look after her own family, she will never learn and deserves everything she gets. Finally!
Mike is still in a world of his own (circa 1978), looking at hideous photos of Deirdre and talking about names from the past (that should have been left forgotten) like Len, Rita and Eddie Yates. Leeanne can't cope and goes out for a shopping spree, leaving Deirdre in charge. The pair perform a "romantic" dance to Dusty Springfield's The Look of Love, while Deirdre sobs and Mike drools on her. The tragic potential of this scene is somewhat spoilt though by the fact that a) Deirdre is a good 3 ft taller than Mike and b) she is wearing some of the most ridiculous jewellery ever seen on Coronation Street, and that includes the perennial fashion crimes of Vera Duckworth and Rita Fairclough. I wouldn't be surprised if she was caught scavenging around in a skip full of rejects, at the back of the QVC building. Later, Mike thinks Leeanne is one of his old girlfriends and takes her out to buy her some decent (ie. non-tarty) clothes. But then he forgets and thinks that Leeanne and Danny have been stealing money from him. Danny isn't impressed with Leeanne and tells her not to try that little trick again.
The next day, Mike is having a "good day" so he accompanies Danny and Jamie on a tour of a nursing home. Mike seems to be having a good time of it, but Jamie gets a bit teary and has to go and sit in the car (he's such a sensitive poppet). Later on, Mike can't remember who Penny is (well to be honest, neither can I most of the time) and the scene ends with him throwing a photo album across the room. Danny, Leeanne, Jamie and Frankie have a heated debate about what should happen to Mike, but none of them are able to reach any sort of agreement. Don't worry, he'll die soon and you can all fight over his money.
In other news, Shelly messes up the Rovers staffing schedule (yes, they really had a storyline about this), and Fred gives the task to Bev. Shelly starts to get paranoid that she'll lose her power, and a chat with Fred does little to persuade her otherwise. This is a simply thrilling plot and I can't wait to see what happens. Or something.
Kelly randomly steps on Norris's foot while texting Sean, and Norris goes off on one of his petty rants at her. However, Kelly's SWF friend is never far behind, and she later gives Norris a `formal warning', to leave Kelly alone. Except this being the SWF, Norris will probably turn up at the bottom of the canal.
And Vernon (of the baggy eyes) is back from his tour. Liz (doing her best 14 year old girl impression), is so excited to have him back that she lends him money, buys him drinks and then allows him to move into Steve's flat. I think we can all predict the sorry car-crash of a storyline that this is heading into. Who was it who said "There's no fool like Liz McDonald…"? I think that would be everyone.
All my love. Jack Lovely.
Coronation Street Weekly Updates for the internet since 1995.
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