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Glenda was
on holiday. This week's update written by John Dean.
As Steve struggles with the bills from his nuptials the Websters share opinions on 'Grease'. Sophie thought it was boring and Kev thought it was a 'bit of fun'. You remember Rose Senior in 'Gypsy' who thought Theatre was a matter of life and death? Well, Sally thinks it's more important than that. So when she sees Ken's lukewarm review with a misprint identifying Rizzo as played by Dozy Webster she's not best pleased. Though describing Ken to his face as a 'washed-up schoolteacher writing for the local rag' isn't the most tactful way to ask for it to be put right. When Ken arranges for a
correction lightning strikes twice it and comes out as 'Rizzo played by Rosy Wobster' rendering Sally apoplectic. "Never mind" says Sal, 'Annie's next." "Who's Annie?" Kev wants to know. Meantime they discover that the Harris's son is going to come out tomorrow and take their little girl to the cast party. It's a hard-knock life when you're a Wobster.
Meanwhile, in his other role as Dear Abby / Dear Dr Ruth / Dear Dr Miriam to the masses, Ken is suggesting Roy and Haley (Da Croppas!) as Godparents to Tracy's baby. He suggests it would be a catharsis prompting Blanche to moan 'He's off again' sounding just like Blue Cow (everyone *knows* an actor can' t sound like a cartoon, but we know better, don't we?). Perhaps she thought Ken said "cats' arses." The unfit Mother is opposed at first but is won round by the thought of all that free babysitting. And anyway, who else can she ask, having alienated most of Weatherfield? She finally chooses Liz McDonald as third witch and you just know *that's* going to cause trouble. And then Ciaran lets slip to Karen that it was Tracy who cancelled the original wedding venue. And you just know *that's* going to cause trouble. And while he's in a gossipy mood Ciaran let's slip to Charlie that he, too, has had carnival knowledge of Bev. And you just know *that's* going to cause trouble. Karen gets a grip of Steve and points out that the barman at the Rovers knows more about her married life than she does. Meanwhile Liz gets Steve to give her a lift to the christening. And you just know *that's* going to cause trouble. Liz arrives at the christening dressed in a tasteful knee-length Laura Ashley print with a scalloped neck. OK, hands up all of you who realised before you got to the end of that sentence that I'd made it up. Liz actually turns up in an ensemble slashed down to there and split up to here with the bit that's neither here nor there pulled as tight as it will go. As Eileen describes it 'Whitney dressed as Britney'. Mind you, I suppose we're coming to a generation that has no idea who Whitney was. Perhaps it should be 'Thora dressed as Nora' (assuming anyone remembers Thora Hird and further assuming Nora Jones becomes a household name). How about Fido dressed as Dido? Ruff! Ruff! Roy has chosen a tasteful piece of poetry to read from the pulpit - Philip Larkin's 'Born Yesterday'. It would have been more appropriate to do 'They f*** you up, your Mum and Dad' because we know that's *exactly* what Steve and Tracy will do to Amy over the next 20 years (unless any of them are written out of the show). (And which, sadly, is what happened to the dedicatee of Larkin's poem - his goddaughter Sally Amis who came to an unhappy and early demise after one of her many 'bad Dad days.') And Roy's choice causes some face-pulling amongst the female Barlows, especially when he gets to
May you be ordinary;
Have, like other women,
An average of talents:
Not ugly, not good-looking,
Nothing uncustomary
To pull you off your balance,
That, unworkable itself,
Stops all the rest from working.
In fact, may you be dull -
The Barlow women (or 'Dev's Harem' as they're known in Weatherfield) are just about to spring up and drag Roy from the pulpit and beat him to death with their bags of bingo dabbers - unfortunately, before he can get to
If that is what a skilled,
Vigilant, flexible,
Unemphasised, enthralled
Catching of happiness is called.
- when the church doors are flung wide and Karen's floppy cardigan enters, closely followed by Karen. Personally, I think they should have done this bit like the end of the Godfather.
< scary organ music >
Vicar : Amy Cropper, do you renounce Satan?
SMASH CUT to Fred bursting into a Board meeting at Hollands Pies and
shotgunning the Chairman
Roy and Haley : I do renounce him
SMASH CUT to Karen bursting into a massage parlour and shooting Liz through
the lens of her sunglasses
Vicar : And all his works?
SMASH CUT to Candice bursting into the bedroom where Jason and Mrs Fanshawe
are inspecting the thermostat and machine-gunning them both
Roy and Haley : I do renounce them.
Still, I wouldn't have missed Karen's confrontation with the Vicar for
anything.
Vicar : This is God's House
Karen: Well yer'd better sort out yer door policy because she's WELL from
the Dark Side.
Karen gets Tracy in a headlock as Steve arrives ("Oh look everyone," cries Karen 'Jack Nicholson' McDonald " DADDY'S HERE!"). I have to say as one of those who think Kate Ford couldn't act her way out of, into or indeed in the vicinity of a brown paper bag that her performance here is a classic example. She's bent over backwards by Karen, her hair is being pulled and you'd imagine it wouldn't take much of an actor to look distressed and in pain. But she manages to look as if she's waiting for a number 9 bus to the Supermarket. Nor does her expression change when Karen releases her in order to give her a tasty right-hander.
Meanwhile Fred is giving Shelley a dressing down (no, a dressing *down* not a dressing *gown* - pay attention at the back) for spending too much time chatting with customers and for sloppy bookkeeping. Not that we've ever seen her keeping any books but we must take Fred's word I say we must believe Mr Elliott. And when she announces a special Mothers' Day offer of two drinks for the price of one for Mothers without realising that every woman in the bar has at least one kid - declared or not, legitimate or not - Fred gets even more upset. Plus Jason wants two bottles of lager for the price of one because he's going to take them home and give them to Eileen. The final straw comes when she arranges a lock-in for the regulars and Fred wants to know why she doesn't just leave the till open and let folk help themselves to his money. Shelley quits in a huff and even a stolen kiss from Charlie doesn't cheer her up. Liz and Karen have a full and frank exchange of views. Karen has a little something to go with Liz's Mothers' Day flowers - the boot. And the nicest thing Liz has to say about Karen is 'Yer scum you'. Steve sides with Karen and throws his Mum out.
Ashley takes Clare for a naughty night in a Chester Hotel. Clare reveals that you can judge the quality of a hotel from the grouting in the bathroom - clean, well-maintained grout shows you're in a 4-star establishment. If the grout is cracked, chipped or dirty, best avoid. She sets up a special game of chess - UHT milk sachets for the pawns, brandy, whisky and vodka miniatures for the pieces - where you have to drink anything you take. Unfortunately, by the time they get to bed she's overindulged and passes out. Steve pays a clandestine visit to Tracy to deliver the promised 50 quid in
used notes for Amy's maintenance. It doesn't seem to occur to him that if the legal Mrs Cropper tried to pursue him for maintenance on behalf of a child whose birth certificate shows Mr Cropper as the Father, which aforesaid Mr Cropper was advertised for months by Mrs Cropper as Father of said child, she's not likely to get very far. And then Steve wants Tracy's Bank Account number so he can set up a standing order. Which, trying to be clever, he's going to set up via Streetcars. So, no danger in the future of Karen walking in on a discussion between the owners of Streetcars where Dev is asking "And what's this standing order for 50 quid to Tracy Barlow? We sacked her months ago". No danger of the Tax Inspector querying whether the standing order is a legitimate business expense. No danger of Tracy blowing the whistle and using her bank statements as proof. Whew! Steve's dodged another bullet and the scriptwriters have missed a golden opportunity to rake over the ashes of this plotline at some future date and discover smouldering embers underneath. But in a week dominated by Mothers' Day in more ways than one, the classic line was delivered by Kev Wobster. Coming home t find Sally ironing he offers: "You shouldn't be doing that today. About time Rosie learned"
John Dean
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