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Danny and Frankie each receive a small bit of paper with big news written on it. It’s their decree absolute and it unsettles them both. Frankie takes herself off to her villa in Spain while Danny proposes to Leanne. “I love ‘er and ah’m gonna marry ‘er”, Danny tells Jamie in the Rovers when son pushes father on strumpet-related issues. “You what?” screams a surprised voice with Leanne on the end of it from t’other side of the Rovers. It’s drinks all round as Danny and Leanne celebrate their engagement although Danny doesn’t know quite just what’s hit him or indeed, what just will. His head’s still spinning when Janice walks back into Underworld as his new machinist / mother-in-law to be / flat mate too as Leanne offers to take her step-mum in until she finds a place of her own. Janice has been down in that London place and returned to Weatherfield with a tan the colour of our garden fence. She must have been staying south of the Thames ‘cos north of the river where I live, it ain’t been that warm.
After another flick of curls (her) and eyeball rolling (him), Steve and Ronnie argue again and she drives off into the night in her Streetcars cab. As she’s trying to reach Steve on her mobile Ronnie’s distracted for a moment and hits and knocks down some old codger on the cobbles. After checking to make sure there were no witnesses, Ronnie drives off and leaves the soap oap for dead on the road. Meanwhile back on the street, the reason that Ronnie couldn’t reach Steve on the phone is because he was showing leggy Kelly his matching duvet cover and pillow cases in the bedroom at his flat. Kelly succumbed to his charms and the delights of his duvet after the pair of them got trollied in the Rovers. The morning after the night before rolls around just like Steve’s bloodshot eyes and Kelly leaves the flat. “Dun’t worry” she tells him. “I’ve not left me undies in the bedroom, but if yer should find me self respect…..” So, Ronnie can’t tell Steve what she did that night and Steve can’t tell Ronnie, it’s just one big squashy secret waiting to be popped like a huge zit that will spray pus on those who stand beneath it. Streetcars gets a speeding ticket for the night in question as Ronnie’s cab was caught by the speed camera the night of the hit and run. She lies and begs Steve to take the rap for her (see, I know all the gangsta lingo, me) as she’s got 9 points already on her licence and an extra 3 for speeding would mean she’d lose her licence. At least I think that’s what happens, I don’t know anything about cars as I travel everywhere by broomstick which makes parking at Sainsburys a breeze.
Charlie repairs the roof at Keith’s house which Keith thinks is a result of the landlord bullying Charlie into doing the right thing. But Charlie can out-bully bully beef so a landlord is the least of his concerns. Instead, he tells Keith he’s bought his house from his landlord and serves a notice giving him two months to pack up and go which is a bit like wash and go except that’s a shampoo. “You’re just like Roy Rogers and Trigger” Keith yells at Charlie and Jason to which Jason replies: “How can he compare me to Trigger? I’m nowhere near as thick as he is!”. It’s left to Charlie to explain that Keith meant Trigger the magic horse who could fly and had a song named after him (or was that Champion the wonder horse I’m getting confused with?) and not Trigger, Del-Boy Trotter’s feckless friend from Only Fools and Horses. Keith muses about moving back to Sheffield when Charlie turfs them out but Craig’s not keen. He has a quiet word with Kev who tells him he’ll help him any way he can.
Amber moves in with Dev this week bringing chaos, mayhem and too many teddy bears into Dev’s flat and his life. Dev’s got a lot to learn about being a father and while he’s drinking in the Rovers with Fred, the Croppers bring in young Amber after they find her sitting on the kerb outside of the corner shop, cold and alone after she’d locked her key inside.
Sean goes to his aunt Betty’s funeral in his best suit and is disappointed when his dad doesn’t turn up. With Violet and Jamie as comfort back-up, he visits his dad at home but gets a frosty reception and not even the offer of a nice cuppa tea. Sean goes back to work at the Rovers where he gets a text message from Jason saying his dad has turned up at the house looking for him and is on his way now to the pub to see Sean. An excited Sean waits by the door of the Rovers for his dad to walk through it and into his life but when there’s no sign of him, he goes outside only to see his dad driving away down the cobbles without saying goodbye, au revoir or even auf weidersehen, pet.
And finally this week, fed up to the back teeth of the triumvirate of menopausal matriarchs (and that’s an expression I’ve not used in a weekly update before) in the back room of the Rovers (Liz, Bev, Deirdre), Shelley takes matters into her own hands and decides it’s about time she got a life of her own. There’s a fella in the bar that’s been giving her the glad eye so she grabs him by the collar and tells him he’s taking her out on a date. “You and me, we’re going to suck the marrow out of life” she tells him as they make a date for the Italian pizza place in the precinct.
Glenda Young
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