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I didn't cry. No, honest I didn't. I did cry last week when
Alma died, on that bed, with Audrey on the duvet and Perry Como
on the wireless. But this week, with the funeral and goodbyes,
it was acceptance that Alma has finally gone. Following Alma's
instructions for her humanist funeral, no-one wore black and those
sitting in the back pew of the church led the others out in a
conga when the service was over. One chap who did turn up in black
was Alma's cousin Richard, who made eyes at Audrey but shook Gail's
hand just that little bit too long for my liking. (Ah! Meester
Shakee-Hands! Bet now! Bet now! Bet now!) Back at Audrey's later
over buffet and small talk, Alma springs to life on the telly
when Audrey plays a videotape that Alma made before she died.
In it, she addresses all her friends and people she loved, leaving
messages for each of them, all except Frank - and yes, he was
at the funeral to say his goodbye. The cheek of the man, eh? Audrey
and Mike take the ashes to the Lake District and on a boat called
appropriately "The Lady of the Lake", they throw her
overboard and feed her to the fishes. Both were in tears but when
Audrey was acting her heart out, Mike was just snivelling in that
way men do, when they're pretending.
And so to the Croppers who this week paid Alex (top bloke from
north-east and SAFC supporter in real life) Swinton five thousand
pounds in exchange for Wayne. When Hayley finds out what Roy has
done, she's furious, oh yes, but secretly happy to have a child
of their own. Wayne's mum Sheila comes round in a strop, bringing
back the money: "He's my son, my Wayne and he's not for say-el".
But she soon realises that Wayne will have a better life without
getting beaten up by Alex on a regular basis. As the Croppers
adjust to life in their tiny flat with an extra person around,
Wayne doesn't settle well and starts wetting the bed. Terrified
that Hayley will be mad with him, he doesn't mention it, but as
you'd expect, Roy and Hayley offer nothing but affection, support
and loving concern.
As Mike comes to terms with Linda's appalling behaviour over
Alma's death, she's sent to the spare room and he's doing his
best to ignore her. However, Linda won't take this lying down
(which is most unlike her) and decides to fight for Mike's attention,
putting all her effort into getting things going at the factory
again. Pushing the girls to work overnight to fulfil the contract
from Reubens, the work gets done in time, but only just. But when
the phone call from Harvey comes in cancelling the order, it can
only mean one thing - Mike hasn't got the finance to keep the
girls on at the factory, he's going to have to dish out some P45s
(American translation: pink slips). "What will you tell the
girls?" asks Linda, astonished. "I'm not telling them"
he replies, "You will". Well, she's made her bed, screwed
around in it and now she has to lie in it - and on the wet bit
too. Oh dear. I feel the factory girls will be revolting.
Bethany's become an internet orphan now that Sarah-Lou has
discovered the delights of chat-room heaven. Pretending to be
someone she's not (Julia), she's chatting to Todd (TJ) but neither
of them know that. Meanwhile, Candice is like, well, if you can
get out that chatroom we can go have some pizza, so Sarah's like
ok, but Gail's like no, I'm going out on the razz with me mate
Molly. And as we all know how much Molly likes to put the beer
away, it could be some time before Gail is sober enough to realise
what her daughter is doing on-line. Because remember, boys and
girls, in cyberspace you can be anyone you want to be. Ah yes,
that reminds me, Vera Lynn will be here writing the update next
week.
Too-thin Toyah went back to work in the Rovers this week but
I think it's more important she gets a pie and some chips down
her neck pretty soon. You just have to remember that Anne Malone
one, she got that skinny once - and look what happened to *her*.
As Emma puts her feet up and reads Expectant Mum magazine,
Curly surprises her with an announcement. He wants to be a stay
at home father and a househusband once the baby comes along, feeling
that he's missed out on too much of Alice's life when she was
growing up. It doesn't take long for Emma to come around to the
idea of going back to work to shoot people.
Anthony's wife, Isabelle has died in the nursing home and he's
naturally upset, especially as awful Amanda won't let him get
involved in the funeral arrangements. Norris reminds Rita this
now leaves Anthony flee to mally. Oh no! It's the Consumating
Cornershop Conundrum So - will Anthony ask Lita to mally him?
Yes or no? Yes or no? Bet now! Bet now! Bet now! Betting ends!
Answer: next week.
And finally, just a word about Janice. I mean, we know she's
common, we've always known that. But she's plumbing new depths
in taste-free living, she really is. Not content with going to
Alma's funeral in her denim jacket, she also has the most scary
haircut I've ever seen. Who cut it for her? The council?
And that's just about that for this week.
Glenda :-)
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