Corrie weekly updates from 1995, 17 years in 17 e-books
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I don't know about you but I miss me mam. That's why I've shipped her 500 miles from her home up north to stay with me this week in London. She arrived this afternoon and I met her in town as she disembarked from the Kwality Xpress bus. It was a journey of three days and two nights with a diabetic driver who stopped at every Little Chef for a pack of sherbet lemons. For those who don't know, when the fancy takes her and if I bung her a fiver, she sometimes writes the weekly update for me. Not that she does write it of course. She sits in a fug of cigarette smoke with a fag in one hand and a glass of wine in t'other and her feet up on the best chair. As she reels off the update, I simply type her words, verbatim. And if I do need to interrupt her and keep her on track, you'll know that I'm speaking as (my words will be in brackets). And so, without any further ado, with a woman of a certain age and a 3 litre bottle of Chardonnay, here we go with this week's Coronation Street update. Ladies and gentlemen, my mother, me mam.Are we on yet, pet, are we? Hang on then, I'll just put me glasses on and then we're off. Right, well then, Norris has being smiling a lot for his stint at the Olympic Games. Rita thinks he looks like a grinning chimp and do you know what, he does a bit. I never liked him when he used to call Derek 'Dirk', did you, pet? No, me neither. I like him now though. He's still a bit odd though but. Odd but nice, yes. Anyway, so while he's off smiling and doing his bit for the Queen, God bless her, always has good shoes that woman, the blonde lass Sally is working in the shop with Rita. Now I like Sally, nice lass, looks after them lovely kiddies well but mind you, gas. (Gas?). All them beans, can't be good for them little girls, can it? I know what it does to your stomach and you're in your 40's and them Sarah and Rachel are just bairns. (I'm still in my 30's, mam and it's Sophie and Rosie). Are you pet? My how time flies. Ooh, hang on, I've just had a text alert. IMSNGU. What's that then? It's from yer dad, whatever it is. Is he learning Chinese? (No mam, it's short for, I'm Missing You, see?) Is he do yer think? Is he missing 'us already? I'll text him back in a bit. I'm all high techno me now, you know. I tell people I've got me own website. (Have you?) No, but it shuts them up down the WI. (What else has been happening this week, mam?) Oh yes, Maxine's mam's moved in with her. Did you hear that, pet? Maxine's mother. She's moved in. With her daughter. And I bet she didn't have to take the Kwality Xpress bus to get there. Ashley's not too happy about it, mind you, she's a bit, what's the word, is that Doreen. (Irritating?) Blonde. She's a bit too blonde and ditzy for my liking. Mind you, Fred probably likes her although she's more the type for Mike Baldwin I think. I could have been the type for the likes of Mike Baldwin in my day, you know. D'yer know, in the right light, I had the makings of Ava Gardner back then, me. Anyway, Maxine gets her dad round but he's not taking Doreen back. He's got himself another woman, she's that Rosie one from Brookside but at least it means Maxine and Ashley have always got a babysitter for the bairn, doesn't it? Maxine's dad gives Doreen her wedding ring back and a strawberry magnet she used to pin messages to the fridge with when they weren't speaking to each other. Me and your dad have got one of those. It's not a strawberry mind you. It's a magnetic Scottish piper with a liftable kilt. Oooh, hang on, I'll just text yer dad back. I need to tell him to put his pants on the hot spin cycle and to eat the casserole I left for him but I've not got enough text space. Hang on, let's put BOIL PANTS IN CASSEROLE and he'll know what I mean. Right, where were we? Can I have some more wine, pet? Champion.
(Anything else this week, mam?) Well, there's preparations for the wedding, isn't there, eh? Well, I tell yer, he's a nasty piece of work that Richard whathisname. (Hillman). Aye, that's him. Gail has her hen night in the Rovers and it's all a bit tame really, pet. I mean, where's the male strippers? Where's the free booze and the sausage rolls, that's what I say. It cheers her up when Nick comes in but he's got a face on him like a wet weekend in Paignton. I had one of those you know, once. It was quite nice actually. Me and yer dad, we, well, I'll tell yer another time maybe. You're not writing that are yer? But Nick, yes, well, least said, soonest shipped back off to Canada. But it cheers her up, well, she is his mother. Mind you, he's not back five minutes when he gets mugged for his mobile phone - by a bunch of girls too. What a drip. What's that, pet? He got mugged outside of a Manchester bistro that has special memories for you? (I'll tell you later, mam).
Boomerang Betty, as I like to call her, came back again this week. Again! I thought she'd gone off to live in Wimbledon with her Gordon but oh no, she's up and down the country more times than not. I bet she doesn't have to travel back from London on a substandard bus with a damp spot in seat 47b. Their Gordon probably pays for her to travel on the train. First class, I shouldn't wonder. (What's she back for?) Oh yes, she's back because she's trying to sell her house and Emily tells her she shouldn't sell and she should stay. Is that enough to say about that then? Can I have some more wine, pet? A woman could die of thirst here, you know.
(Is that it then, mam?) I think so pet. Can you think of anything else that happened? (Well Karen got her new job) Oh yes, she did. That lass Karen what's married to Steve whathisname (McDonald), aye, that's her. She started a new job at the posh furniture store called Revelation (Elevation) but that's not very interesting, pet, is it? (No mam. I think we're just about done then, aren't we?) I think so pet. I'll just send a quick text message to vote for Jonny to win Big Brother and then we'll have a bit of tea, eh pet? But pass that wine first, can I have a drop more?
And that's just about that for this week - with thanks to my mam. Thanks also to John Dean - who'll be here in all his glory doing the update for me next week as I'll be in Paris having a bit of joie de vivre with a French stick. Lucky John gets to cover the wedding so I want all the gossip - who wore what, who said what to whom, who drank too much and all the usual stuff. See you all the week after next.
Glenda
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