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Glenda was away, this week's update written by Gary Ushaw
After two weeks of inexplicable disruption to the time-space
continuum, communications with Parallel 23-23 have been re-established.
Here's what's been happening on Coronation Street over there.
Do not adjust your set.
BEEN AROUND THE WORLD (AYE AYE)
Before setting off on his abortive trip around the world, Curly
Gump (in scenes strangely reminiscent of Jim Dale in assorted
Carry On films) managed to accidentally shag half the womenfolk
of Weatherfield. Maxine, Maureen, Emily (only joking), etc...
It's a wonder that Liz MacDonald, the scariest hair bear of them
all, didn't get in on the act: she doesn't usually miss a chance
to leap into bed with someone who's young enough to be her...
um... relative. Even Ann Capone kissed Curly on his camping equipment
(it's the first time I've heard it called that).
Ann, who didn't get to be boss of the Weatherfield Mafia without
knowing how to do that stony, emotionless thing with her face,
is now embarrassed at this uncharacteristic lack of composure.
The fact that Curly is currently staying at her house, for reasons
far too ludicrous to go into here, has only fuelled her shame.
What is wrong with this woman? First she shacks up with old wrinkly,
and Ken-Barlow-in-training, Andy MacDonald, and now she reveals
that she has been holding a torch for Curly Gump, of all people.
The sooner she gets banged up for tax evasion, the better, I reckon.
Curly's decision to stay was doubly good news for fat freezer
baron Eric Firman, however. Firstly, it throws a spanner into
the refrigeration works for Ann Capone and her plans to take over
the northwest frozen foods racket. She really would have put the
Firm into Firman's. And secondly, he revealed that he may have
had to replace Curly Gump with Reginald Iolanthe Holdsworth. If
he'd done that then we'd all have noticed that Eric has been trying
to do Reg impressions ever since Reg left, presumably in a futile
attempt to extend his Street contract. His secret remains safe.
CARRY ON CABBIE
90s slacker Don "Butt-head" Brennan lost his driving
license after being found drunk in charge of a vehicle. He blames
Senor Miguel Baldwin who was visiting Weatherfield to attend a
business lunch and give a talk about pushing dead alsation dogs
through windows (honestly). "Call me a cab" shouted
Baldwin, and the crowd roared back "You're a taxi!".
Unfortunately this quip was too sophisticated for Butthead Brennan
who turned up in his car, expecting a fare. Since there's usually
only room in his brain for one thing at a time, he assumed that
this thought of earning a hefty tip would replace the bottleful
of Old Shagnasty's Number Two Spirit which was currently residing
there. The police thought differently, and Senor Baldwin couldn't
help but smirk as Butthead Brennan was dragged off for a bit of
well-deserved police brutality. Give him one for me!
So now all Brennan has to do all day is slump in front of the
TV next to his good friend and fellow Generation-X-er, Ashley
"Beavis" Peacock (hurr hurr, he said "cock").
When last seen they were watching a compilation of Kylie Minogue
videos while sniggering and arguing over whether or not they'd
caught a glimpse of her knickers. They should be so lucky.
JOE 90
Suave super-spy Jack Duckworth went to visit Q division and
was presented with a new-fangled pair of spectacles, with built-in
laser-sighting, guided missiles and comedy eyebrow attachments.
This time the various gadgets are invisibly molded into the plastic
framework of the glasses, rather than just stuck on with sellotape
and blu-tac like the last pair.
He also took pity on Butthead Brennan and bought his share
of the race-horse. This horse is now split up into just four pieces,
each of which is kept on life-support machines in different parts
of the town. Just like the Pope.
IN OTHER NEWS...
...Ken Barlow is finding life post-Take-That increasingly troublesome
as his old fans desert him for younger pin-ups who don't dye their
hair. Fiona, Kelly and Denise's sister all kicked him in the bollocks
this week when he made improper advances toward them. There's
only desperate groupie Drear left on his shelf now, and who wants
more of that sad old turkey at this time of year? Even Ken looked
slightly queasy at the thought of giving her yet another stuffing...
...The New Year has already been ruined by far too many members
of the chinless Pratt clan appearing on our screens... ...Nun
on the run, Samantha Failsworth's latest attempt to experience
life as it is lived on Eastenders is to flirt with renowned woman-beater
Jim MacDonald... ...More trouble at t'mill for His Excellency
Senor Miguel Baldwin (Viva El Presidente!). After an under-cover
visit from civil rights worker Angie Freeman, the big guns of
the international human rights community have turned up in the
form of Steve "interesting" Reid. With his sexy Canadian
accent and his thinning hair-line (that's right, girls: he's had
a Barlow!), he'll soon get to the bottom of the political atrocities
being committed in Baldwin's tin-pot dictatorship... ...Where's
Norris? An all-too-brief appearance over Christmas showed him
dancing down the street with a tipsy Fred Elliot, but where else
has he been lately? My bet is that he spent the holiday period
disguised as a fairy, observing the goings-on in the Wilton's
typical Earth household, from his position on top of their Christmas
tree...
And this is me. New year, new out-look, new danger. Same
old nonsense from me in the Parallel Universe Updates though.
Hope you had what doctors have come to know as "a good one".
Gary
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