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This week's update written by Janet Penny as Glenda was away
Heigh ho everybody and welcome to another edition of the Corrie
Update from Yorkshire, home to the famous puddings. A special
"Merry Crimbo" to all my lovely new friends who contacted
me after my last update, particularly the gang from New Zealand
(let's face it, the rest of the world tends to forget Kiwis, but
I am quite partial to a nice bit of roast lamb!). So, fasten your
seatbelts the week of 13-18 December has been a particularly bumpy
road.
Hayley has not been able to sleep well over chez Audrey's and
confides to Alma that she is going to stop at the Café
to sort things out with Roy. A queue is starting to form outside
the unopened Roy's Rolls as Sarah Lou and Candice debate the nutritional
merits of muesli vs. crisps for brekkie. The Platt family blackmailer
wanders over and demands his hush money. Candice is appalled that
Sarah Lou puts up with it and suggests that the right thing to
do is to tell both Gail and Glen the truth and put David out of
business. However, that would obviously ruin the plot line, so
Sarah Lou refuses and off they go to break their fast at the Kabin.
Next Duggie, then Janice and Blanche come in search of a full
English. Blanche appears to be particularly miffed; cheers erupted
from our house when Mrs. Battersby told her to go home and stop
whinging! Along comes Hayley into the maelstrom to discover that
Roy has gone missing. There's no note and so in a tizz, she tracks
Gail down to the Corner Shop for her suggestions. Unfortunately,
the woman who makes Roseanne Barr look like the Queen Mum, has
taken her litany of complaints to the same location. I did think
the moaning about standing around in sub-zero temperatures was
stretching things a bit (our roses are about to bloom again in
all the mild weather we're currently having). If she really wants
to experience sub-zero temperatures, she should go to Canada in
February! As for pensioners dying every winter in want of a hot
meal you're in a corner shop, woman buy an egg and cook it yourself!
In between the diatribe, Gail manages to interject a proposal
that Hayley look in Roy's "special place". And here
was me thinking they were just work-mates!
There he is, sitting beside the river where the two lovebirds
exchanged their first kiss. Hankies out as Roy berates himself
for hurting Hayley and ruining their chances of becoming foster
parents. Personally, I believe it's not so much Roy's blurting
out about Hayley leaving him as the social worker finding out
about Roy's plan to attach stretch elastic to the children so
he can't lose them. Both admit they are miserable without each
other and they set off home for some hot cocoa and tree decorating.
In a very minimal scene, the other nurse who works in Weatherfield
General in order to give Martin a day off wheels Vera in to see
newly-found grandson Paul. Cue Andrea to dissolve in tears yet
again. Let's hope she and Kevin Webster never get together to
produce children as they'd constantly be weeping.
The second mini-storyline concerns Maxine and Ashley's attempts
to start up their baby factory.
Disappointed that she hasn't yet
conceived, Max decides it's because of the twin demons, lager
and wine. So, they are out, orange juice is in. She even goes
so far as to pour the booze down the drain. Ashley barely manages
to save the £57 bottle of scotch he has bought for Fred
for Christmas from the same fate.
Those two empty carrier bags in the wheelie bin of life, Ken
and Deirdre, are frantic as they search for her lost keys. Peter
has flung his clothes all over the living/dining room (which I
must admit puzzled me somewhat as he appears to be finally sleeping
in the front room) and Ken finds them under his shirt (not his
shirt, but Peter's discarded one, you understand). Whilst she
intends to spend the day drooling at Dev, Deirdre insists that
Ken introduce Peter to the joys of hoovering and clothes folding.
Sarah Lou confides to Candice that she has invited Glen over
on Friday as both Gail and David will be out. Candice asks if
this will be the time she divulges the truth about Bethany. Apparently
not. Sarah Lou will pretend that she is babysitting as she's already
told him that Bethany is Hayley's baby. Candice points out that's
not a very romantic idea. So, on to Plan B.
Sarah Lou invites herself over to Martin's for the evening.
He is dead chuffed and gets in a few curries and a video. Sarah
Lou thrusts Bethany at him, saying that she has to go over to
Candice who is in a lot of pain because her boyfriend has just
dumped her. Oh, and by the way, Bethany needs her diaper changed,
but she didn't bring any with her. Before he can say "Hold
the poppadoms", off she scampers to snuggle up to Glen on
the sofa at home. Naturally, the only shop in Weatherfield which
stocks diapers is the one on Coronation Street. As Martin comes
out, he notices the light on at Number 10. Knowing everyone is
out, he comes over to check it out. Luckily he has kept hold of
his key so he can interrupt Sarah Lou and Glen mid-snog. Whilst
Glen watches them battle it out like some demented spectator at
a tennis match, Martin has pretty much sussed the situation. Holding
Bethany out he issues the final challenge "What's the matter,
Sarah. Don't you want to hold your baby?" Glen disappears
into the night, never to be seen again (at least this week).
Later on, Gail has a go at Martin for letting Sarah have a
boy round. Typical (readers may have noticed that she is not one
of my favourite characters!). She finally listens to Martin's
protests that he was lied to as well. What bothers him is not
Glen, but the fact that Sarah Lou is denying Bethany's existence
as her daughter and possibly causing all sorts of emotional damage
later on in life.
Later on, Gail walks into the room as Sarah sits with Bethany
moping about how miserable her life is. Sarah Lou immediately
goes on the defensive, screaming that Gail probably wants to check
her room to see if there's a lad there. She jumps up and thrusts
Bethany at her mother, because, let's face it, it's not that easy
to stomp up the stairs with a baby in your arms.
Audrey has a heart-to-heart with Sarah Lou, telling her about
how it was in the bad old days when the Blanche Hunts of the world
were everywhere. Sarah doesn't seem especially convinced as she
points out that Audrey's procreations did take place a few years
later in life. Sarah just wants to live the life of a teenager.
Gail tries to make amends with Martin. Her solution to avoid
the children playing them off one against the other is to become
friends. Pulleeze! Glint in her eye as she invites him round for
Christmas dinner. Martin has other plans, however - he's volunteered
to work at the hospital (probably to give that female nurse a
break).
It's also Tyrone's 18th birthday this week. Cheers all round
as Kev raises his salary by 25 quid per week and he gets his first
legal drink in the Rovers. Maria presents him with a watch and
promises him a night he'll never forget! They start out in a posh
Indian restaurant (one with tablecloths and everything!), then
Maria adroitly manoeuvres them to a nearby hotel where she has
reserved a room. Tyrone is a bit uncomfortable and when the clerk
asks for their name, answers "Dobbs" as Maria responds
"Duckworth". It's all too much for Tyrone and he flees,
Glen-like, into the night. Oh, Maria, luv. I would have thought
you would have learned from the last time you offered yourself
to him on a plate. The next few times we see the two of them,
Maria is attempting to apologise and Tyrone is still unnerved.
In the Rovers, news that the potential purchasers are none
too impressed with the books reaches Natalie. Of course, they
are looking for a cut in price of about 5,000. Now we understand
where David Platt has been learning his trade. Natalie feels she
has no option but to agree as she wants to sell quickly, but what
I want to know just who this "consultant" is anyway,
and why does he look like my cousin Tony? On his way out, Liz
ambushes him to demand that he suggest her for the manager's job.
Fearful that refusal might cause permanent ruptures within the
inch and a half of wrinkle concealer, he agrees to submit her
CV (aka resume in North America) to the Bozzy Whatsit people.
Natalie discusses the offer with Duggie who confides that if
he had the money, he'd buy the place. She confesses that she would
rather sell to him. We see the wheels turning in what passes for
Duggie's brain. Exhausted by standing up for five minutes (and
that not even in sub-zero temperatures), she retires for the night,
leaving Liz to serve all fifty customers by herself and lock up
for the night.
After his feeble attempts at irony are lost on Sarah Lou and
Candice buying breakfast in the Kabin, Norris starts a petition
against the "hostile takeover" of the Rovers. Red Ken
is totally against the idea of a theme park pub, but Liz, petrified
that she'll lose the only job she's ever wanted, refuses to sign.
Peter Barlowe defends Liz's right to refuse.
Deirdre has been grumbling that Peter has barely been sober
for five minutes. Ever the doting father, Ken reveals that Peter
is having a hard time sleeping and so drinks himself into a drunken
stupor each night to cope. At the Rovers, Liz confides in him
about the impending promotion so he buys her a few drinks to celebrate.
At the end of the night, Liz sends everyone home. Peter apparently
doesn't realise that this includes him as he offers to help her
clean up followed immediately by accidentally chucking a drink
all over her.
Despite the dismal impression he has left (in more ways than
one), he still fancies his chances, locks the door and puckers
up. Liz, varying between anger and trembling fear (possibly mistaken
by Peter for trembling lust) turns him down flat at least six
times. He wonders what has happened to Weatherfield's friendliest
barmaid as "she's been up for it all night". Little
does he know that she always dresses like that. He sneers "There
are words for women like you!" Mutton, dressed, lamb come
immediately to mind though it's probably fair to say that "Foolish
drunken sod" weren't too far behind. Liz confides all in
Deirdre. Neck muscles all aquiver, Deirdre has it out with Peter.
Looks like this is shaping up to be the usual happy family Christmas,
then! Dev, bless his little cotton socks, comes up with a solution
- Peter could move into the flat over the shop. It would certainly
help him out as a potential deterrent to would-be burglars. Not
if he spends all his time down at the Rovers, it won't! Deirdre
immediately sees her chance "I suppose a hug is out of the
question?" No, but anything else in your sordid little mind
is!
All seem pleased that a workable solution has been found. Apart
from Liz, that is, who doesn't believe that Deirdre should have
made it easier for Peter to stay around rather than chasing him
out of town with his tail between his legs. Peter, however, has
made arrangements to visit Susan in Scotland at Christmas and
coaxes Ken to lend him the car, the trains being what they are
these days (point taken. Railtrack won't be winning any quality
awards soon).
Spurred on by their recent partnership, Duggie approaches Dev
to invest in the Rovers with him. He turns the offer down flat.
Despondently entering the Rovers, he overhears Fred and Mike lamenting
the loss of yet another of your quaint Olde Worlde pubs and has
an alternative idea to prevent it becoming the Boozy Newt. Purchasing
tonic water for himself, he sets about offering triple scotches
in his bid to pull them into a (square?) deal. Many rounds later,
the two agree to become part of the triumvirate.
Linda has a war of words with Liz. Mike notes that Liz is what
a barmaid should look like. Stung by their recent encounter, Linda
retorts "After 15 drinks, maybe!"
In the cold light of the following day, Fred and Mike wonder
why, I say, why they thought they could run a pub. Spurred on
by Linda with more drinks courtesy of Duggie, they finally commit.
The Three Wise Men go to the back with Natalie to make an offer.
On the quiet, Linda offers the manager's job to Geena who immediately
demurs that it should go to Liz. Linda brags that Mike will do
anything she asks "as long as I ask it in the right way!"
Liz is right pleased with herself - she's now had a second
interview and been offered the position of Head Newt. Linda overhears
and, with a smile that lights up her face, suggests a bottle of
champagne to celebrate, but let's wait until Mike comes out. Linda
beams happily at Liz as Natalie introduces the pub to the new
owners! Liz's jaw drops down to her cleavage.
She then approaches Fred (or was it Mike?) to support her for
new manager. No problems as, whoever it was, he certainly doesn't
want to do it himself! It's brought up at the first partnership
meeting and Duggie says it's fine as far as he's concerned - she
can apply with all the others. Both Fred and Mike agree that's
a fair decision.
Duggie has taken his new role very seriously and invited the
press round to take pictures. He has even envisaged the headline
"Local sports hero saves pub!" It's not going down well
with the others. With a younger wife, Mike has other fish to fry
and is soon off. Fred and Duggie stand at the bar chatting with
Natalie about some of the finer details. Out of the blue, the
whole pub is spellbound whilst Blanche spews forth pure vitriolic
twaddle. Nat was married to one man (ermmm don't the vows say
"Until death do us part"?), carries another's spawn
in her belly and is now attempting to decide which of the two
will make the better father for her illegitimate sprog! Natalie
has had enough and has decided to move well away from Wakefield
(relieving the fears of the new doctor and his wife who were ready
to fight if she wanted her house back). I'm also pretty sure that
if the baby is a girl, it won't be named Blanche!
To finish off this update, I would like to present a special
award. For ages now, many of us have been in absolute agony watching
the show week after week, year after year pleading silently (or
not) that SOMETHING be done! It's finally happened!!! The coveted
"Putting the Viewers Out of Their Misery Award" goes
to the Wardrobe Department for a few precious moments, Deirdre
has been wearing a turtleneck!!!
Well, that's my last report for this year, hope you had a chuckle
or two. To close, I'd like to wish you and yours a happy and safe
holiday season! Happy Ho Ho's!!
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