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Glenda was away this week, update written by a volunteer
Les is discovered putting down cones in preparation for the Great Tarmac Laying. Curly visits Jack to express his sympathy. Meanwhile the Claytons gather round Vera's bedside to thank her, bringing with them some strange Elf-Child obviously strayed from the new Movie of Lord of the Rings. Duggie produces his Save Our Streets T-shirts in Roy's Rolls (a rather garish canary yellow for the most part, the rest in bilious green) and is miffed that everyone wants to know how much he's charging. He insists it is out of the goodness of his heart (Character Transplant Fairy alert).
Janice spills the beans to Toyah that the Tarmac gang are turning up early and Toyah rushes to tell Ken who rushes into the Rovers to whip the protesters into a frenzy. You remember that scene in High Noon when Gary Cooper goes into the Church to get help? And no-one gives a rats a**e about the dangers facing the town? It was just like that, everyone too busy finishing their drinks, Norris insisting on finishing his sandwich.
Meanwhile (choke) Vera goes to the Theatre (gasp). And they said Cats was booked up to 2003. No, seriously, it's time for THE KNIFE.
Natalie is chatted up by a free-lance consultant employed by Nuttalls, but purely in the line of duty. He is there to offer advice on how to improve profit margins. He is full of searching questions like 'Who works here?' (obviously too idle to check out the wages record) and he wants to know how old they are. Natalie is stumped over Betty Luv. ''20 to 30, 30 to 40?'' prompts Mr Consultant. ''Add them together and you're about right'' says Natalie. (BTW and OT, did you know that if you ask a consultant the time, he'll borrow your watch, look at it, tell you the time, give you your watch back and charge you 50 quid for labour?)
Roy and Hayley face the Social Worker who wants to know what were their first impressions of each other. Hayley's of Roy were that he needed a haircut, kept his money in a purse but gave her a romantic kiss by the boating lake. Roy is even more devastatingly honest. Hayley terrified him and, after learning she was trans-sexual, he thought she picked him to go out with because he was even more of a misfit than she was. Asked if he sees Hayley as a woman, Roy pulls the pin from the hand-grenade "No, not as a woman, more as a special person". His intentions are clearly good, he wants to make it clear his relationship is with the whole person, not just a sexual liaison. But Hayley is clearly not happy.
The residents finally pile out of the Rovers after Gary Cooper and build barricades. Les Miserables comes to Weatherfield. Meantime, Miserable Les puts out more cones (I say, rather neat turn of phrase, what?) Blanche draws on her experience as a Land Girl.
Back at the Hospital, the operation is deemed a success even though the patient is on the critical list. Vera has suffered an allergic reaction to the antibiotics and Jack is distraught.
The next episode is actually the re-broadcast of the very first episode. I am saved from a blow by blow account by Diane Johnston's excellent summary from the video.
But I can't resist a few observations. In the first segment we meet the new shopkeeper, Florrie Lindley, Elsie & Dennis Tanner, and the entire Barlow family. We learn Florrie's marital state, her predecessor's views on customer credit-worthiness, Dennis's prison record, Elsie's mid-life crisis, the inner tensions of the Barlows and the class warfare between Ken and his Dad. And all this in 8 minutes. They don't write them like that any more. When we rightly praise Tony Warren for creating the Street, it's easy to forget that it wasn't just his vision that worked, it was the quality, pace and humour of his writing.
Quite a shock when the adverts came on in colour. Even more of a shock when part two opens with a game of darts and, shock horror, they're not even playing on a Manchester Board!
And the piece of resistance, the immortal Ena Sharples offering her views on life, religion and eclairs. Complaining that they send you off to 'Moonlight and Roses' at the Crematorium but she intends to go to Crimmond. I bet the young Les Dawson was writing notes as fast as he could when he first saw this in 1960.
Incidentally, as with events such as the assassination of JFK, the Live Aid Concert and the fall of the Berlin Wall, I think this first show is defined by the way people remember where they were when they first saw it. I remember vividly I was in our parlour in front of the Television. Where were you?
The live episode starts in black & white with 2 kids playing, just like the original. The dark evening sky over Manchester doubles as the dark morning sky over Weatherfield - a clever piece of set design and cheap too.
Norris is quoting Churchill, Vera is in Intensive care singing a little 'beep beep' song to herself. Tyrone and Maria are watching her through the observation window (They seem to think it's a kind of telly). The Nurse tells Jack to go home as Vee is 'critical but stable'.
I love this PR speak. Whenever I see a headline like 'Crash victim critical in hospital' I have an image of someone sitting up in bed going - 'That van was going too fast, and the council never repaired that tarmac, and the red light changes too fast, and the street lights are positively dim..'
Rita puts out a placard declaring Prince Charles is to visit Weatherfield. Audrey turns up to boast she's having lunch with Prince Charles. What are they trying to tell us?
Hayley reproaches Roy with telling the Social Worker he didn't see Hayley as a woman. Roy takes this as a compliment to the SW's being easy to talk to. Oh Dear.
Martin comes across Tyrone and Maria holding the fort and goes bananas when he hears Jack has been sent home. It's like that scene in the Godfather where the Don is discovered all alone in the ward and it's a race against time to get the Family to come and protect him. Unfortunately, Curly takes Tyrone's phone call in the Kabin, Norris overhears and adds two and three to make eight point seven three one. Curly goes to give Jack a lift to the hospital and is the unwilling witness to Jack's reading Vera's 'last will and testament' letter. She wants to be buried near her mother (as Jack says, no problem there - no-one else wanted to be buried near the old *****) plus she admits to an affair at a time when it puts in doubt whether Terry is Jack's son or not.
News arrives that the tarmac gang are on their way back with an injunction. A discussion in Roy's Rolls is led by Roy fearing the game is up. Various customers point out to him that they have time on their side as they don't tarmac at night, what with tarmac being black and therefore invisible when there's no sunshine. Though, strangely, night-time is exactly when the gang *do* turn up.
Jack is explaining to Curly that he already knew of the affair (and stopped it by battering the boy-friend, unbeknowns to Vee) and he has no doubt he's Terry's father - 'He reminds me too much of me' - when Emily arrives having been at the end of the line from Norris's bush telegraph and announces how sorry she is about Vera's death.
Worth mentioning here that, while there were many good performances, Bill Tarmey in particular played a scorcher.
In the Rovers, Eileen is extolling the virtues of the cobbles. She's very attached to them 'having crawled over them so often after a skinful'. Hayley wants Janice to say how many women work in the sewing room. 'Eight' says Janice. 'Including me?' asks Hayley. Awww.
Norris has taken to the brandy after inventing the tragic news and the story of Vera's death spreads round the Rovers (interesting visual of gossip in action) but Jack & Curly find at the hospital that Vera is still singing the 'beep beep' song. Curly & Emily tackle Norris who claims he was misled because Curly answered the phone 'in a funereal manner'. 'But I always talk like that' says Norman (in a funereal voice).
Audrey is back from lunch with you-know-who and the tarmac layers are due in half an hour. A light bulb appears over Eileen's head and goes 'ping!'. She whispers something to Dennis.
Those of you lacking strong stomachs, look away now. Terry turns up and sobs apologies over Vera's comatose body 'I've been a miserable selfish lying coward' and when asked if he is a member of the family replies 'I used to be' (retch) (and wretch, for that matter).
OK, you can look now. Sarah tells Hayley she wishes she had parents like her and Roy. (gulp) An empty taxi arrives and Peter Barlow steps out. Protesters link arms as the Police advance with a Court Order followed by the men that lay the hot asphalt. As the old song says :- 'We laid it in the hollows and we laid it on the flat If it doesn't last forever sure I swear I'll eat my hat For I've wandered all around the world and sure I've never felt Any surface that was equal to the hot asphalt.'
But what's this a t the other end of the street? 'Ten Four Rubber Duck that's negatory. Land Sakes, looks like we got us a Con-voy' Easy riders Eileen and Dennis gun their big chopper up the street followed by a fleet of taxis. (Who' s driving these taxis? Gary's left, Les hasn't started, Steve's on foot and Vik isn't in this program. Hmm) More important, are the meters running? More important still, can anyone pick up a minor Royal at the end of Rosamund Street. We'll be there in ten minutes...
The TV news comes on (this is on the show, not in my house. Well, it did come on in my house but it was on the other channel and I'm watching Coronation Street which is where the TV news has come on. If you see what I mean) Trevor MacDonald announces HRH's visit to Weatherfield and shows him meeting Camilla Potter-Roberts. In a trice his masculine arms are around her slender frame, his thick rubbery lips brush against her china-doll mouth, he tugs the flimsy material of her blouse... (Actually, I made the last bit up). The evening paper has pictures of Prince Charles with Audrey. What are they trying to tell us?
We learn that Peter has just finished his twenty year hitch in the Navy, lately in HM Submarine Service, and his wife Jessica has dumped him. He must have been under water a long time because he makes a bee-line for Linda, who doesn't trouble to tell him she's a married woman.
Hayley tackles Roy - does he see her as a woman? Roy offers the excuse 'I was only being honest'. The failure of this line tells us two things. Roy has never taken the 'New Husbands guide to Married Conversation' at Night School and Hayley's sex-change operation was a total success. She asks Roy point-blank 'Am I a woman, yes or no?' Philosophically, the ability to ask such a question is itself an infallible indicator that the speaker is indeed female, but Roy has dug his grave five foot down and with anorak thoroughness insists on shovelling through the last foot. 'No'
David Platt takes the occasion as licence to cheek the Police Sergeant - 'Hey (hey) You (you) get offa my Street.'
Ken is frantically typing up a phoney conservation order on his lap-top. Duggie is going to arrange a false letter-head and posh paper.
Back at the Hospital (I tell you, this was a frantic episode) Vera opens her eyes and speaks. As she chats with Jack, Terry looks on through the window, smiles and steals away. 'Steal' is the operative word as he still has the 25 large he conned from Jack.
Back at the Rovers, Liz has gone on heat and rubs herself every time she goes past Peter. Janice marks Linda's card that Mike was married to Peter's sister, Deirdre marks Peter's card that Linda is married to the Barlows' hereditary enemy.
Roy goes home to an empty flat and a note from the departed Hayley I couldn't tell you what, if anything, he said as Mrs Dean next to me started howling 'N-o-o-o-o-o N-o-o-o-o' in my ear and digging her nails into my arm so I missed a bit.
Nobby Holder (I know, I know, it's Noddy. I just like the sound of the made-up version) turns up with the 'preservation order' and shouts 'Merry Christmas Everyone'. Everyone celebrates, except Roy who's making his solitary way through the crowd, and Natalie who's decided to sell the Rovers.
And Ken gives a 'God Bless us Everyone' speech that, cunningly, says as much about the importance of Coronation Street the programme as it does about Coronation Street the Street.
What a cracker!
In the cold light of dawn Roy re-reads Hayley's note and Duggie confesses to Fred the 'Preservation Order' was a scam while Ken has a crisis of conscience over his forgery. Hayley has washed up at Audrey's to Alma and is having a heart to heart with St Alma who suggests she should talk to Roy.
Natalie announces to her staff she is selling the Rovers (or 'Rov-vers' as Liz has taken to calling it) to the 'Boozy' chain of pubs. It will become the 'Boozy Newt'.
Les is scrubbing the cobbles (Why?) while Janice mocks him. When he goes into the Caff, Les makes one of his typical 'sex-change' jokes. Roy loses it and orders him out. Total shocker to see mild-mannered Roy Cropper turn into the Demon King, and totally credible. He shuts the caf early and opens his heart to Toyah who suggests he should talk to Hayley.
Peter compliments Deirdre on her cooking. On the submarine all he got was out of packets and cans. Is that a blush on Deirdre's 'I get all my ingredients from the corner shop freezer' cheek?
Liz is sharing her experiences of the Boozy chain with her co-workers. She frequented the 'Boozy Bishop' which had a Vicars and Tarts theme. (Look, this is like shooting fish in a barrel. For once, make up your own jokes.)
Toyah discovers Hayley's whereabouts and phones Roy.
Vera asks Jack about the envelope with her dying wishes. Jack tells her he threw it away, unopened. (See, Roy, this is how a pro handles it). Vera says she's go through the operation again if she had to. Jack points out that, with only one kidney left, this would be unwise.
Roy goes round to Alma's - Hayley being out - and confides he loves Hayley and being without her is an agony he can't bear.
BettyLuv, after a morning of turning beer sour by looking at it, announces to the pub that the Rovers is to become the Boozy Newt. And walks out in protest.
Peter is settled into the Barlows, crashing out on the sofa to the annoyance of Blanche and Deirdre who have to negotiate the obstacle course of his discarded clothing each morning. Ken, of course, will hear no evil.
David is having fun annoying Sarah. He tells Gail 'Girls are mad'. 'Are we?' asked the Gerbil. 'Not you, you're a Mum.' 'So's Sarah a Mum' 'You're confusing me.' Gail laughing and joking? Scary - like when she was being nice to martin after finding out his affair.
Roy's hacking himself to bits in the caf and Toyah is supplying the Elastoplast from the dwindling stock in the First Aid Box. 'I'm all fingers and thumbs' he confesses. well, not for much longer if he doesn't concentrate on the cutlery. His fingers and thumbs are going to be conspicuous by their absence. Meantime, back at Underworld, Hayley is mixing up the teas and sugars. She confides in Janice she and Roy have had a row. Janice is the model of empathetic understanding - 'Great. Welcome to the real world'.
Patrons in the Rovers are bemoaning the loss of their favourite hot-pot maker. Not to Worry, says Toyah, Betty's left 10 years supply in the freezer.
Gail gets praise from the new Nurse for 're-organising the files'. (Hang on, the Health Centre's been open a matter of days. There's scarcely been time to *organise* the files, let alone re-organise. And I thought it was all computerised? Hence Gail's course)
Roy hands around outside Underworld with a bunch of flowers and Hayley agrees to come round after work to talk.
Dev is now sharing *his* experience of the Boozy chain - the 'Boozy Bunny' in Birmingham where the staff allegedly wear little floppy ears and cotton wool tails. Toyah is taken in and Dev suggests the Newt uniform will be a green catsuit with scales and a fake tail.
Tyrone takes a bunch of grapes in to Vera who complains they aren't seedless (Vera obviously doesn't know how much the robbers are charging for seedless grapes at the moment). She decides she'll give the seeded grapes to 'Her at the end' who likes spitting the pips at the Doctors. (Must remember that for my next visit)
Sarah's new boyfriend, Glen, taunts her that he now knows the phone number she tried to keep from him because he dialled 1471 after she rang him. Sarah is mortified and makes him swear he'll never ring her at home. (You note how this 1471 thing has ruined many a standard soap plot, in addition to requiring additional dialogue from the writers in case the audience are screaming '1471' at the set. And yet Sarah could have prefixed Glen's number with 141 and all would have been well. Time for the writers to subscribe to uk.telecom)
David catches Glen using his tongue to inspect Sarah's throat for nodules. He reckons he now has the perfect blackmail set-up - Gail doesn't know about Glen and Glen doesn't know about Bethany.
Hayley turns up for the talk with Roy but Toyah has broken the tap and there is water everywhere, soaking Roy as he tries to block the flow (if any of you are inclined to make up a punchline involving the words 'finger' and 'dike', be my guest). Hayley walks out and the Social Worker turns up. Roy vainly tries to lie but, lacking practice, cocks it up. The Social Worker leaves him with a 'Don't call us, we'll call you message'
And so we come to the end of the week. I hope you've all enjoyed my little show. Good-bye and I love you all.
John Dean -- Oxford
PS - Seeing Episode One again put me in mind of a posting Glenda did a while back pointing out the age differences between the actors playing certain types of role then and now. It was an interesting reflection of attitudes then and now &, I think, bears repeating.Er, I'll get me anorak.
In the first episode, Ena, Minnie and Martha (the actors playing them) were 62, 63 and 46 respectively. Today Rita, Alma and Vera (again, the actors) are 67, 65 and 61. Florrie Lindley was younger (38) than Deirdre is now (46). Elsie Tanner was 37 to Liz MacDonald's 42.
PPS Since Glenda fell down the cellar steps and banged her head while attempting to carry up an Economy Size Box of Australian Chianti, she's been a bit remiss in updating the FAQ. The graphs on time series analysis, frequency distribution and chi-squared tests over which I laboured so long and lovingly are still in her in-tray. So a quick comparison :-
Episode One Pt One 8 minutes 12 seconds, Pt Two 15 minutes 11 seconds -- Total 23 minutes 23 seconds
Modern Episode Mean Times:- Pt One 9 minutes 9 seconds, Pt Two 13 minutes 14 seconds -- Total 22 minutes 23 seconds.
The standard deviation information is lost for eternity on a floppy disk last glimpsed amongst the coal in Glenda's bath
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