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This week's update kindly written by John Dean
On the Street of a Thousand Arsons, the fire rages. Martin and David slumber
on. The smoke thickens. The plot thickens. There is more smoke. There is
more plot. The fire reaches the aerosols on its way to the toilet rolls.
Gail & Richard drive past. Gail shouts 'STOP!'. The shop explodes. The
Rovers empties in panic. Richard shoulders the door to Martin's flat. The
door swings open (outwards!?! - how did he do that?) He rescues the
asphyxiated duo and props their comatose bodies against the exploding,
burning shop. (Something to with needing time and a half to move the cameras
after 8pm)
Meantime . the Doctor & the Teacher agree that it was a mistake moving into
the Street (shouts of Hear! Hear!) Charli still wants Matt - 'I hate you
because I still love you ... ' Oh pur-LEASE - just GO. They ride off into
the sunset. Next day Sal sees the charred remains of her Empire and asks 'What happened?
' and Rosie wants to know 'What happened?' Luckily Sophie, the brains of the
family, is able to deduce the truth 'A fire, stupid'
Matt accosts Ashley. Ashley has stopped inhaling the helium before speaking
and sounds sinister. He has also dispensed entirely with the glottal stop,
with prepositions and with definite and indefinite articles. ' Don't tell me
how run my life' he growls. But he agrees at last to see his son for the
first time and holds him in his arms. Maxine is pleased but Ash growls
'Midwife told me hold him'. And he wants a paternity test. He wants
professional tell truth. Maxine picks Joshua from the Elliott family tree as
a suitable name.
The fire has given Les a fright and he has bought Janice a smoke alarm. Aw.
The fire has given David a bigger fright and he invites Martin to move in
with them. This leads to friction as Martin and Richard almost come to blows
over who has the right to tell David off.
In the Rovers, Sam muses that he thought of being a fire-fighter ('What'
says Maria 'Fireman Sam?') but it turned out he was thinking of his stage
act and abandoned the idea because he couldn't think of a stylish way to get
his wellies off. Other customers speculate on how much Sal will make from
the insurance, to her and Kevin's annoyance. And Eve gets a mysterious phone
call.
Archie is planning to cremate his old teacher (don't worry, he's already
dead) and recruits Blanche & Betty as professional mourners. They are
tempted by the offer of limitless pork pies and egg & cress sandwiches.
Blanche even brings the left-overs back for Ken & Deirdre's tea.
At school the Head Teacher, Mrs Chapel Hatt-Peggs, offers Ken a permanent
position. Also a regular teaching job.
The Fire Officer has reported back to Sally that the fire was caused by a
faulty plug on the radio - Jason used the wrong fuse. Sally has a pop at
Jason and Eileen is none too pleased - she blames Sally for not spending
money on a proper electrician in the first place.
Hayley and Roy exchange Anniversary presents. As the third is Leather, Roy
has a handbag for Hayley and Hayley a briefcase fro Roy. But he bridles at
the thought of giving up his shopping bag with the key on a string. He also
cooks Hayley a traditional 17th Century meal - Puritans' Pottage. He offers
to read Hayley a Sermon from the Civil War - choice of the I hour or 2 hour
versions. Hayley drags him off to the pub.
Fred follows Eve, suspicions aroused, and sees her embrace a strange man. It
is Ray who has heard from daughter Linda. She is in Dublin and Ray rattles
off a 90 second speech to tie up all the loose ends in the story. The sight
of Eve, as he thinks, being unfaithful, puts Fred off his grub. Next day at
breakfast he is forced to refuse the fifth sausage and eighth slice of
toast. He is even more discombobulated when Ray turns up outside his shop.
(Why? What for? What earthly reason does Ray have for travelling to
Weatherfield & hovering outside a butcher's shop?)
Ashley refuses to assemble the baby's new cot (I don't blame him, I've tried
to bolt that MFI stuff together and it's no fun). Maxine tries and fails but
Fred saves the day. Fred goes to visit Ray and discovers he is the previous
man (well, one of them) in Eve's life. Fred accuses him of having an affair
with Eve. No, says Ray - YOU'RE having the affair - we never got a divorce.
Shock, horror, collapse of stout party.
And so, Musketeers, pausing only to smear a nauseating concoction of
cowheel, tripe and black pudding on Glenda's keyboard, I bid you all a fond
adieu. Or au revoir. Don't forget, Local Council Elections soon - vote
early, vote often.
John Dean, Oxford
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