Corrie weekly updates from 1995, 17 years in 17 e-books
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Ladies and gentlemen, with my bowl of fresh water and a couple
of bonios to chew on as I write - for the first and only time
- Sophie the Old English Sheepdog's Coronation Street update.
Oooh! I love a good howl! That theme tune does it for me every time; it hits the spot and I just have to sing along. Here she is again, dog-breath Deirdre. That woman is so frightening, when she comes on screen, I run behind the sofa and pee. It's a little known fact, but a true one, that I started the midnight bark of "Free Deirdre Rachid" around the neighbourhood. The message went from dog to dog in every street in every town in every city. Unfortunately, Sam the Dalmatian in Gateshead is a little deaf and the message ended up as a Chinese Whisper, for it was finally barked back to me as "Fred's eaten cheese". Deirdre is depressed and in danger of going stir crazy in her kennel when a stranger called Mary Docherty turns up at Ken's door. Mary was also duped by Jon Lindsay (aka James Anderson) who married her 4 years ago (dressed in pilot's outfit, no less!) stung her for £17,000 and Luton CID were just about to arrest him before he disappeared and changed his name. Mike and Ken are delighted with this new piece of evidence, Mike calls the prison to leave a message for Deirdre but Veitch the horrid doesn't pass on the phone call to Deirdre. (I growled, at this point).When Mike goes to see Deirdre in prison, she doesn't believe the news at first but slowly it sinks in that she could be released soon. Veitch puts a dampener on things by telling Deirdre the appeal could take 6-9 months, and in that time, to remember that she still holds the prison keys.
What Deirdre doesn't realise while she's been in prison is that she's almost caused divorce between Mike and Alma. Now I like Alma, a lot. If she was a dog, she'd be just like me, a big, fluffy, loveable, faithful Sheepdog. Unfortunately, for girls like us, there's always a pitbull like Baldwin ready to sink his teeth into our heart and rip it to shreds. Alma tells Mike the only reason he was helping Deirdre out was so he'd get something in return at the end of it, but he denies this, of course. She tells him she'll come back to the flat if he drops the appeal and lets someone else pay for it. He agrees to do this until Mary Docherty comes along with the new evidence. Her marriage is the most important thing to her and she wants to save it but Mike tells Alma that if he doesn't pay for Deirdre's appeal, then it will be Alma's fault that Deirdre stays in prison. Grrrrrrr!!
Also, Emily, Ken, Toyah and Spider start protesting outside of the prison for Deirdre's release. Ken wonders why Toyah isn't at school and she says she has a free period. "There's no such thing as a free period." says Ken "There is when the teachers want one." she replies "And they spend all their time in the staff room, drinking coffee and having sex." A suitably shocked Ken grimaces and wonders why it was never like that for him. Vera joins the protest "I've got a loud mouth and could do with some fresh air." she says, and then joins in with the protest for the release of Deirdre "... so think on!" so shouts at the passing public. And of course, the lovely, lovely Spider is there too, right at the heart of the protest. He can take me for walkies any time. When he comes on TV, I jut have to go and lick the screen then lie down and pant with my tongue hanging out. Funnily enough, Glenda does the same. He's our favourite.
Excuse me for a minute, I've just seen Tina the rough Collie walk past the window. Now, she's a really dirty bitch, a rough, Rough Collie, if you get my drift. The gossip I could tell you about her! Always has a dirty bottom and wears that collar far too tight.
As you know, we Sheepdogs are always happy to have things rounded up and penned in, so it's a pleasure to see the Battersby clan together, even if their head bitch is away from the Street tending to her sick mother and hound dog Les seems to be suffering from distemper. Les, a true Stan Ogden for the 90's, rants on about how he has to make his own tea while Janice is away, interuptting Angie's leaving do in the Rovers, so Greg takes them off to the fish and chip shop instead. While Leanne seems wrapped up in her new brother, and Les is chuffed to find out that Moira Kelly is worth a bob or two and has her own kennel in Majorca, Toyah is less than impressed and wonders what Greg's motives are for getting back in touch with his family. As you can imagine, Les has already "borrowed" a few quid from Greg so far. Greg and Maxine's eyes meet across the bar at the Rovers when Maxine is attracted to Greg's glossy coat and wet nose. Next thing you know, they'll be slurping spaghetti together from the same bowl. Come back soon Janice, and leash in your brood!
They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks, but you just have to look at Natalie in the Rovers to know that's not true. She tells Des she doesn't want him chatting her up when he says they have unfinished business to deal with. He was just trying to make Samantha jealous, and succeeded.
Nick and Leanne moan about baby Shannon crying all the time, so Judy offers to take the baby every now and then if it will help out Zoe. Zoe also complains that she wants to go out nightclubbing, and that she doesn't feel her life is her own anymore. Zoe leaves the baby with the Malletts for an evening but Gary is worried it'll all end in tears and asks Zoe to leave Judy alone, but Judy is more than happy to look after the baby from time to time, and she's even getting on well with Zoe too. (Needless to say, this friendship between Zoe and Judy is just a ploy to get us to feel more sorry for them both when Shannon dies of meningitis in a few weeks time).
In college, Nick's tutor introduces a convict to talk to the class about life in prison. By a horrendous coincidence, it turns out the convict is none other than the killer of Brian Tilsley!! Obviously, Nick is very shocked. He asks Gail about the circumstances surrounding his dad's death. "What would you do if you came face to face with his killer?" asks Nick, not letting on that the murderer was in his college classroom that morning. "There's a part of me that would want to kill him." replies Gail. The killer, Darren Whately, is being released in a few months time, so we'll have to see what happens.... a can of worms has been opened here, methinks. Talking about opening cans, I wonder when my Pedigree Chum will be ready?
And that's just about that for my one and only update folks. I'd better go now before Glenda finds out what I've been up to. If she knows that I've been using her PC, and that I can word process at 70wpm, she'll sell me to the media circus and I'll be featured on ^ÑRichard and Judy' this time next week. By the way, despite what you may have heard about me from Glenda, she really is fond of me you know. She's taken measures for me to be found if I should ever stray, rather painful measures though, it has to be said. I'd like to see how she felt after getting a tattoo in her ear and a microchip up her bottom.
From Sophie the sheepdog - Woof! Woof!
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